A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core ****ographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.

The name of the company: "The ---- Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."

 

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The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left..

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that There were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you." (Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.)

 

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her -----.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said,"Yesterday."

 

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Two Italian men get on a bus and take a seat behind a middle aged lady. An animated conversation takes place between the two Italians.............

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two assess dey come together......Den I come again ......Two assess dey come together again .... I come again and pee twice ...... Den I come once more."

The lady turnaround and angrilly said "You filthy, foul mouthed swine!!!! In this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
.
.
.

"You coola down, lady" said the Italian, "I'ma justa tellin my friend how to spell Mississippi."

 

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Old lady goes to the doctor for a checkup. After doing the various tests, he asks her if she has any persistent medical problems. She tells him, "well, I probably shouldn't even bring this up since it really isn't a problem, but...I have constant gas. As a matter of fact, since you've been in this room with me, I've passed gas thirty or forty times, but you wouldn't know it because they're silent and they don't smell. This goes on every day, wherever I go, but like I said, it's not a problem because they're silent and they don't smell."

"I see," the doctor says. "I'm going to write you a little prescription. Take these pills for a week and call me with the results."

The old lady fills the prescription, takes the pills religiously, and calls the doctor the next week. "What was in those pills?" she screamed. "I still have the constant gas, but now it smells AWFUL. I can't even stay in the same room with myself!"

"Oh, good, " the doctor says. "Now that we have your sinuses cleared up, let's work on your little hearing problem."

 

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Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today.

I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives.

Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one.

This one right here!"

Terribly impressed, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"By the nail over it's stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away

 

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Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,

'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,

'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'


Buddy replied,


'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

 

[specs]

----- vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of ----- are there?'

The father, surprised, answers,

'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's ----- are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.

 

[specs]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

 

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An English man, Irish man & Scottish man are working at the top of a skyscraper having dinner.
The English man open his sandwiches and shouts, "CHEESE AND PICKLE, 2 YEARS ON THE TROTT I HAD CHEESE AND PICKLE, IF SHE MAKES THEM AGAIN TOMORROW IM GONNA JUMP OFF THIS SKYSCRAPER!!"

The Scottish man opens his and shout, "JESUS CHRIST, CHEESE AND HAM SANDWICHES AGAIN, 2 YEARS SHE'S BEEN MAKING THEM FOR ME, IF I GET THEM AGAIN TOMORROW, I'M GONNA JUMP OFF THIS SKYSCRAPER!!"

The Irishe man opens his, "BEE JESUS, JAM SANDWICHES, FOR 2 YEARS IVE BEEN HAVING THESE, IF I GET THEM AGAIN TOMORROW IM GONNA JUMP OFF THIS SKYSCRAPER!!"

So the next day they sit down to eat lunch and the English man opens his sandwiches. "AAARRGGHH ****ING CHEESE AND PICKLE!!" And he runs and jumps off the skyscraper.

The scottish man opens his, "AAAARRGGHH, CHEESE AND ****ING HAM!! And he jumps off the building.

The Irish man opens his, "AAARRGGGH, JAM ****UN SANDWICHES!!" He then runs and jumps off the building.

A week later the 3 mens wives are at the joint funerals.
The English man wife says, "You know, I just cant understand it, i always thought George loved cheese and pickle. All he had to do was ask me for something else.
The Scottishs man wife, "Its the same with me, I always thought Gordon loved cheese and ham, all he had to was ask for something else".

The Irish mans wife stood there puzzled.... "You know, I just cant understand it, Jimmy always made his own sandwiches!! "

 

[specs]

This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast off Newfoundland in October 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

CANADIANS:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course15 degrees north...
I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

CANADIANS:
We are a lighthouse. Your call

 

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

 

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

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A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."

 

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' 'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.' She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come