A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

 

[bertt]

The diversity still open......:::rockon2:

The Great Wall of Vagina Exhibition - YouTube

 

[steve50]

Subject: 999














An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.






It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."









Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...






;

 

[specs]

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)

Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

> Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

> Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

> Judge #3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili

> Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

> Judge #2 -- Exiting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

> Judge #3 -- Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

> Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

> Judge #2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

> Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all the beer...

Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic

> Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

> Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

> Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 Lisas Legal Lip Remover

> Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

> Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

> Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off may forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if Im burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili #6 Pams Very Vegetarian Variety

> Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

> Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

> Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and Im worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Carlas Screaming Sensation Chili

> Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

> Judge #2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

> Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldnt feel a thing. Ive lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, theyll know what killed me. Ive decided to stop breathing; its too painful. Screw it; Im not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, Ill just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Karens Toenail Curling Chili

> Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

> Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if hes going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how hed have reacted to REALLY hot chili.

 

[specs]

Women's Friends:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

Men's Friends:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

 

[specs]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: £239.99. Hot Breakfast 4.20. Two Aspirins: £0.38.
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

 

[specs]

My missus bought a paperback
In Asda*, Saturday. *(UK arm of Walmart)
I had a look inside the bag -
'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed.
An hour later, she appeared
The sight filled me with dread.

In one hand she held a rope,
The other, held a whip.
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip.

Well, forty years, or so, ago
I might have had a peek.
But Doris hasn't weathered well -
She's sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Couldn't be much grimmer.
And things progressed from bad to worse -
She toppled off her Zimmer.

She struggled back up to her feet
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her.

Now if you knew our Doris, see,
You'd know just why I cringed.
I'd been two months in traction, 'cos
My hips and knees unhinged.

She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit
I went to hold her sensual like, and
Stood on her left ---.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done ?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one"

Well reader, I can tell no more
'bout what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.

Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She's head to toe in flannellette
And back to back, we snore.

Anon

 

[specs]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

 

[Earthstore]

specs. I had tears streaming down my face reading the chilli story.
You have brightened up the end to a long hard day. Thanks.

 

[MarkieSparkie]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewellery my dear, a pearl necklace usually.”

 

[MarkieSparkie]

I Don't Think So

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.
Paul yells back, "Who do I look like, an appliance repair man? I don't think so."
A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, its out."
"Who do I look like, an electrician? I don't think so." Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."
Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like, a builder? I don't think so."
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."
She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment. He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."
Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like, Delia Smith? I don't think so!"

 

[MarkieSparkie]

25 Year Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*** your brains out, and suck your ---- dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

[MarkieSparkie]

Escort Service
Two old men go to an escort service. The madam asks them what they want. They say women. She asks, "How old are you?" They say their both 90.
So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing.
When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?" The other one says "I think she was dead, she just laid there, how was yours?" "I think mine was a witch." "A witch?" "Yeah, I bit her on the ---, she farted and flew out the window.

 

[specs]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of
the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached
by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the
Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down
this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the
new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to
church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, bull****...
You don't even know the way to the Post Office!"

 

[specs]

Talking to a guy in an Irish pub. Says to me, "D'ya see that bridge over there? I built that bridge with these two hands... But do they call me Chauncy the bridgemaker? No.... Do ya see that house across the road? Built that house with me own two hands. Do they call me Chauncy the carpenter? ...No Do you see that beautiful cobblestone road out there? Laid every stone by meself, almost broke me back, I did... Do they call me Chauncy the cobbler? No.... But I tell ya... You f*** one sheep...."