A new jokes thread for your amusement.

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and
she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young
boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but
don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going
to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his
hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him
do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try
to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like
that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date
and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the
old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he
tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
 
There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."
 

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[TD="width: 100%"]GOOD FOR A LAUGH ........... ENJOY




HONEYMOON....
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first




night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet?




Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...





Smallcox




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[h=1] [/h]
[SIZE=+1]
Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in
front of the doctor. The note reads, "I can't talk. Please help me!"
The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on
the table here."
Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so he
does as the doctor says.
The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris's penis as hard as he
can.
The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
The doctor says, "Good. Come again tomorrow, and we'll learn B!"[/SIZE]
 
Woman
[SIZE=+1]
Workplace Hazardous materials Information System
Substance: Women
Chemical system: Wow
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs; specimens can vary from 90 to
200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface Tension - Soft and warm
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavour initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied at certain points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.
SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimens.
HAZZARDS
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards [/SIZE]
 
[h=1] [/h]
[SIZE=+1]
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off
a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and
decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they
found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under
his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that
he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved!
Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the
Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the
call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of
the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I
don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst
prrrize!" [/SIZE]
 
As I waited for my blind date, this woman came and sat down at my table, "Hello, you must be Mike, I recognised you from your picture."

"Oh, yes, you must be Kate's mum, pleased to meet you, is she not well or something?"
 
Flaherty never ever learned and would seek the fruits of the grain and the grape at every chance he could. So no wonder that Friday night, the holy of holy times when the work of the week was done, found him legless as usual and happily traipsing home with Billy McGee. As they sang and shuffled along O'Connell Street they were confronted by a very large policeman.
'Now my fine fellows,' he glowered. 'Would you be telling me where you live?'
'Well,' said McGee, 'I live at no fixed abode.' 'And I,' added Flaherty, 'live in the flat above!'
 

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[h=3][/h]A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.
'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'
Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.
Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.
'Will he live?' inquired the boys.
Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'
'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.
'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc
[/TD]
 
also on the crimewatch programme was an article about all the toilet pans at new scotland yard had been nicked. detective chief inspector cyril plod says that the investigation team have nothing to go on.
 
Two other blokes were arrested, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks... they charged the first but let second one off...
 
mush.jpg

I must get out more! :)
 
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show
in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the
colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's
men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like
you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women
in general...pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."
 
well, i've got a canon printer. have to see what i can make with that.:


cannon.jpeg
 
A man from China was married to a woman called Lorraine. But they was not happy in their marriage and he started to see another woman from his own country called Clear-Lee and fell madly love with her.

On a sad Monday morning, Lorraine was hit by a bus on the way to work and she was dead.

After the funeral the Chinese man went to his favorite karaoke bar and sang a wonderful tribute to his wife.




"I can see Clear-Lee now Lorraine is gone."
 
On a blind date recently, this blonde bimbo was talking about her job:

"I'm in anger management" she said.

"Wow, you're a therapist?" I replied, "that's very impressive."

"Therapist?" She laughed, "nah, I'm in charge of coat angers at the Essex branch of Primark."
 
Abe thinks his wife is trying to poison him.

Abe goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

Abe anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison,"
 
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wifes side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy. Her note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. His note read:

The Tent Poles Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What Youre Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs. Her note read:

Im Sure That Your Poles
The Best In The Land.
But Im Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand
 
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man ?'..

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,

wait for it!!!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
' .................... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.

I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but....'


(. . . Wait for it ....)







'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'
 
An 18-yr-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and have spent all my time in terrorist training school I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 ------?"

Allah regarded him for a moment and then replied, "Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because --- holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. You're here to service them. Since they're virgins they're quite sexually hungry and frankly, you'll be on a constant and very exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

Allah replied quizingly, "Who told you they were women?"
 
After a few beers down at the local, talk got to who had the most expensive watch.
I showed mine first. "That's a Rolex Oyster, worth £3500."

My mate, John, smiled and pointed proudly to his wrist.
"This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of £20,000 for it."

Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch. "What do you think of that then?
It cost me £200,000."

John and I stared for a while then I said "Dave, that's a Casio."

"I know, " he sighed. My ex wife bought it for me, then found it in her sisters bed."
 
After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice

The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.

The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.

The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".

"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."
 
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in
Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her
car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car
again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was
very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this
time."
 

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A new jokes thread for your amusement.
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