A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Kamikaze]

Seems legit. :biggrin:

 

[specs]

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'and her, what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies:


'She'll be 18 in eleven minutes.'

 

[specs]

A daughter was talking to her mom about married life, she told her mom that she wanted to divorce her husband because he liked ---- sex.

She told her mom that when she married her husband her behind was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter.

Her mom said Honey, he's a millionaire, he gives you $10,000 a week for clothes, you travel all the time, you have houses all over the world, you get a new Mercedes every 6 months and you're bitching about 15 cents?

 

[specs]

Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age.

All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip. However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and said loudly: "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a ****in' towel!"

 

[specs]

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy --- neighbor and then calmly replied:

"I am. Thats why she cuts the grass."

 

[dan86]

just tried to plug my phone charger in with the light off.
got the wrong hole and Siri was like "STOP, I don't do that!"

 

[specs]

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

 

[dan86]

The dogs in my area are so clumsy.

I've just had to untangle yet another one from a post outside the newsagents.

 

[dan86]

I put my left leg in. My left leg out. In. Out. In. Out. I shook it all about. I did the Hokey Cokey and I turned around.

And that's when the taxi driver said, "Just get in the bloody car, pal".

 

[dan86]

just got off the phone to my mate, he said he spent the best part of yesterday unblocking a toilet.

jesus christ, what was the rest of the day like if that was the best bit?

 

[specs]

A elderly couple are sitting on their porch in their rocking chairs, watching the world go by when suddenly the old lady reaches over and smacks her husband upside the head so hard he falls out of his chair onto the porch.

He slowly stands back up, rubbing his back. "What the hell was that for?" he asks.

"For 47 years of terrible sex," comes the answer. The old man stares at his wife for a moment, then shakes his head and slowly climbing back into his chair to resume his rocking.

A few minutes later, the old man's arm suddenly shoots out, smacking the old lady so hard she tumbles out of the chair and all the way down the porch steps.

"And just what the hell what was THAT for?" she demands.

"For knowing the difference."

 

[specs]

This guy gets stopped by the police for speeding...

The cop asks him why he was going so fast.
The guy replies: "Well, officer, I just killed my wife and have the body in the trunk and the gun in the glove box. I'm on my way to get rid of them."

The officer is dumbfounded at this confession. He get the guy out of the car and handcuffs him. He then calls his Captain for backup.
The Captain arrives and asks the driver for permission to search the car.
Once permission is granted they open the glove box: no gun.
They then open the trunk: no body.
The Captain goes and talks to the driver and says: "The officer said you had a gun in the glove box and a body in the trunk, but we didn't find these things."
The driver replies: "I suppose that lying B******* told you I was speeding, too."

 

[specs]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion .... Marion"

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina

 

[dan86]

make them shorter man! ain't no one got time for all that shizzle!

 

[dan86]

As we kissed outside her house, she whispered, "Do you want to spend the night here?"

"No", I replied, as I walked away.

Crazy fool, why would I want to spend that long on her doorstep?