A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[dan86]

I just got a phone call from a representative from Google.

"We're campaigning to get people to sign an on-line petition supporting our company tax arrangements in light of the government's plans for an investigation."

"You can bugger off," I told him. "It's the law abiding tax payer like me who suffers because of morons like Google. You're getting no support from me!"

There was a pause before he added, "We know your browsing history."

"It's about time somebody stood up to the Government. I'm logging in as we speak."

 

[specs]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

[specs]

A bloke goes to the supermarket and notice a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girlfriend whipped my bum with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher

 

[specs]

A guy successfully picks up a woman during a night out and brings her home for some casual sex. By the time they get to his apartment, they're both unbelievably horny. The front door has barely shut before they start making passionate love, stripping each others' clothes off on the way to the bedroom. They get to the bed, and not wanting to disappoint, he gives her his best. With each thrust, he notices her toes are curling. Proudly, he thinks, "I must really be getting her off!" They finish, and eventually go to sleep. In the morning, they decide to have another go in the shower. He's giving it to her even harder than he did the night before, but he can't seem to get the same toe-curling reaction.

They both climax, and afterwards, while they're getting dressed, he asks her, "Last night, when we made love, you seemed more into it than you did this morning. Did I do something wrong?"

"No," she said. "You were great! Why do you ask?"

"Well, I noticed that last night your toes were curling, and this morning they weren't."

"That's because I wasn't wearing my pantyhose this time."

 

[Silly Sausage]

BBC News - Man calls Solihull police to complain about prostitute's looks

How do you make a hormone ?

Don't pay her.



Back in the seventies when we were short of cash I sent my wife out on the streets.
She came back with £14.25.
I said, "Which tight sod gave you 25p?"
She said "All of them"

 

[Earthstore]

I was told this the other day..
One thing that you should never say if you find yourself in a Gay bar.

"Excuse me mate, can I push your stool up"....

 

[specs]

make them shorter man! ain't no one got time for all that shizzle!

Sorry mate, they come as they come, some people like and some don't, you can't please everyone.

 

[Silly Sausage]

Sorry mate, they come as they come, some people like and some don't, you can't please everyone.

That's the worst joke ever!

 

[specs]

I was told this the other day..
One thing that you should never say if you find yourself in a Gay bar.

"Excuse me mate, can I push your stool up"....

not usually my type of joke, but I thought this was good because it was short and to the point, and made me laugh thinking about it. good one mate.

 

[specs]

That's the worst joke ever!

I know,Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Christians or Jews, can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.

Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out." Izzy says, "Fill it up with water"

 

[specs]

A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer.
There were some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Melanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer.. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lily, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

--Jack, 7 years

 

[specs]

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club-goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called: "e by gum"

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi me."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "D’ ya want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "Naw, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"


The last is always the best ...........

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies, "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"

 

[specs]

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

 

[dan86]

hmm, bit poor that one!

 

[specs]

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind