A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

hmm, bit poor that one!

ok:yes:
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind

 

[Silly Sausage]

Why do women have -------?
So men will speak to them.

 

[specs]

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in

 

[specs]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

 

[specs]

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

 

[specs]

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

 

[specs]

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan .
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
Thought you would appreciate it if I passed this on,
Its a good investment tip!

 

[dan86]

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind

funny, but a tad racist! waiting on a mod..!

 

[specs]

funny, but a tad racist! waiting on a mod..!

A tad borderline, was it the ' backpack' that gave me away

 

[moospark]

A tad borderline, was it the ' backpack' that gave me away

Nah! they've been sticking it (explosives) up their bums! does that make it homophobic?

 

[Plonker 3]

funny, but a tad racist! waiting on a mod..!

How the hell is this racist?

Stereotyping yes, but not even close to being racist.

 

[specs]

David Copperfield has just finished his magic show. He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share. Nobody puts their hand up except one man.

David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick. The man says "For this trick, David, I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer and I will also need a table."

He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it. He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her underwear and takes her from behind.

David Copperfield is horrified and says "That's not a trick!!", to which the man replies, "I know, but it's ****ing magic."

 

[specs]

An African King was visiting the Russian President to discuss political matters for their country. In the evening, the African King asked what type of entertainment they offer in Russia. The Russian President described various activities, all of which seemed mediocre to the King. "I was hoping for something more exciting and dangerous from Russia" said the King.

Finally, the Russian President took him into a back room, opened a box, and pulled a revolver. He placed one bullet in the revolver and handed it to the King. "This is what we call Russian Roulette."

"How does it work?"

"It is simple. Spin the cylinder and then put the gun to your head and pull the trigger. You have a one in six chance of death and it is the most exciting and dangerous game we play here in Russia."

And so the King played a round and enjoyed the thrill. "What an excellent game! We have one similar back home, you must come with me to play."

Not wanting to be outdone, the Russian President flew with the African King to his palace. In the back room, they found six beautiful and naked women on their knees with their mouths open. "This looks wonderful, how do you play?" asked the President.

"It is simple. You choose a lady and put you penis in her mouth and she will pleasure you."

"Well that seems exciting, but where is the dangerous part?"

"One of them is a cannibal."

 

[specs]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Mack says to Mike behind him, my elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Mack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Mack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Mack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her in to rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs repair.
6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better

 

[dan86]

If I had to choke Nigella Lawson, I wouldn't choose my hands to do it with.