A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[dan86]

..lol!

 

[specs]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went to Jerusalem but while they were there, his wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150 or have her shipped home for $5,000."

The man thought about it for a moment and then decided to have his deceased wife shipped home.

"Why spend so much more money to have her sent home when you can just have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150?"

The man replied, "A long time ago, a man died here, was buried here but arose from the dead three days later. I just can't take that risk."

 

[specs]

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

the second nun answered, "indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

"i can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "we use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "back at our convent, we call it catholic shampoo.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house."
-mmt

 

[specs]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?

Maria: Well, Seora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.

The first is that I iron better than you.

Wife: Who said you iron better than me?

Maria: Jor huzban he say so.

Wife: Oh yeah?

Maria: The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.

Wife: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?

Maria: Jor hozban did

Wife increasingly agitated: Oh he did, did he?

Maria: The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, And did my husband say that as well?

Maria: No Seora The gardener did.

Wife: So how much do you want?

 

[specs]

specs. I bet your boring to work with!

i don't get the time to be boring, i'm to busy drinking tea, reading my paper, eating my lunch, texting jokes,chatting to the neighbours and filling in my lottery tickets, and then i have to find time to do a bit of work. My life is not easy . :wink5:

 

[telectrix]

judging by some of your jokes, life can't be easy. got to admit, though, some of them are corkers.

 

[moospark]

after reading that, i'd say there's "norfolk in hope"

Last time I heard that, one of the old boys got a secretary to put a fiver on it, in the 2:15. She came back really disapointed for the guy "cos it wasn't running today"

 

[hubsy]

A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?" "He turned blue and **** on the carpet."

 

[hubsy]

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," says his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

 

[dan86]

ahh, little johnny jokes. can't beat em!

 

[hubsy]

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

- - - Updated - - -

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

 

[dan86]

On a roll now Howard. need to keep em coming!

 

[telectrix]

wishing well:

http://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rc...=otwF6vC5NzngbhS8xSp5Tw&bvm=bv.50310824,d.d2k

 

[Brightspark2]

Wow he is old. Hes in his late 80s!!

He looks familiar. Ive only seen maybe the last 4 bond films in full. Never even seen a sean connery one. I know people who like to say 'bond, james bond' in sean connerys accent.

I dont like the james bond films. The character is an arrogant tw4t and I would like to punch him in the face.

Shut the door behind you!!

 

[Kate]

I was expecting a comment like that when I wrote it...surprised it took so long!!

Thanks for making me smile when I feel so sh1te