A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "Today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?" the man asked.

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.. Some things you just can't explain."

 

[Earthstore]

I do like that one...

 

[Kamikaze]

Specs your a legend. Keep up the good work bro!

 

[Richard Burns]

If her lips are like fire and she trembles in your arms...

Tell her to get lost, she probably has malaria!

 

[dan86]

"They were an American rock band formed in Las Vegas in 2001. Led by frontman Brandon Flowers, they achieved mainstream success through hit albums such as Hot Fuss and singles like Mr Brightside, Somebody Told Me and Human".

"I see", I said to the witness, jotting it down in my notepad and surveying the murder scene. "But that's not what I meant when I asked who the killers were".

 

[shanky887614]

one if found a while ago

 

[Silly Sausage]

Cameron and clegg are on a plane,Cameron looked at Clegg chuckled and said"You know i could throw a £1,000 note out the window right now and make someone happy".Clegg shrugged his shoulders and replied"i could throw ten £100 notes out of the window and make ten people happy".Hearing their exchange the pilot said to the co-pilot "Such big shots! i could throw both of them out the window and make 40 million people ecstatic!"

- - - Updated - - -

Gina goes into hospital for a cosmetic surgery to give her a designer vagina. She's nervous, naturally, but looking forward to the operation. Prior to the operation she discusses her needs with her surgeon; she would like for her labia to be smaller because for some reason they 'hang low' enough so that they can hang either side of her gusset and this upsets her.

Upon waking up from the operation and coming to fully she sees three bunches of flowers with cards on the bedside.
The first card reads "I can't wait to get your home, your devoted and horny husband x"
The second " I am very pleased with the work I have done and I wish you all success with your new vagina" from her surgeon.
The Third "thanks for my new ears, from Billy in the burns unit"

 

[dan86]

Some chunky bird came up to me in the club last night and asked if I thought she was fat.

"Fat?" I said. "Love, you're like a rope."

"Really?" She replied, smiling. "You think I'm slim?"

"Oh christ no." I told her.

"But it's probably a lot easier to pull you than push you."

 

[dan86]

An E-mail confirming you've unsubscribed from an E-mail list is a lot like a stalker showing up to promise they'll leave you alone.

 

[Spoon]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite –
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 

[Silly Sausage]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a f*cking bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?

 

[markc123]

Handsome, strong, fine speciman of a Man / Electrician - "Have you got any helicopter flavoured walkers crisps in your store?"

Shopkeeper - "Eh, wtf you on about?"

Handsome, strong, fine speciman of a Man / Electrician - "I'll just take plane then."

 

[specs]

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."

The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You ----! How many is a brazilian?"

 

[specs]

A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"


" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"






You'll love the answer...







The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."

 

[dan86]

saw this today and made me lol! not quite sure why tbh.
also noticed that there was no space between 'know' and 'how'... :/