A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[dan86]

I gave you a like to say I liked it, and a thanks for letting me nick it ;-)

 

[specs]

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.






He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.






He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.






He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won’t say what it is but wants Father Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.






He brings Father Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.







“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”




“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”




“Well,” Father Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”




An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:






"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."







​

 

[specs]

It's tough getting old.....Here are some things I can no longer do!


https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=A6XUVjK9W4o

 

[specs]

Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"


Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"

=============================================

Technical problem reported by pilot or crew. Remedial action or answer reported by engineer

=============================================

Something loose in cockpit. Something tightened in cockpit.

Left-inside main tire almost needs replacing. Almost replaced left-inside main tire.

Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine. Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.

Mouse in cockpit. Cat installed.

Target radar hums. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Number three engine missing. Engine found on starboard

wing

Pilot's clock inoperative. Wound clock.

Aircraft handles funny. Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

Whining sound heard on engine shutdown. Pilot removed from aircraft.

Noise under instrument panel - sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer Took hammer away from midget.

Suspected crack in windshield. Suspect you are right.

IFF inoperative. IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.

Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough. Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.

No2 ADF needle runs wild. Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.

Dead bugs on windshield. Live bugs on back order.

Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Evidence removed.

Three roaches in cabin. One roach killed, one wounded, one got away​

 

[specs]

'letters to the council' (allegedly)

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children innit until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

 

[specs]

insurance claims. "I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form -)

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.


"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

 

[specs]

Me after a days graft[url]https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/ItXKGyO6cRA?rel=0[/URL]

 

[dan86]

I'm surprised that the BBC are allowed anywhere near children in need.

 

[specs]

As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?"

"Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please."

"You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk."

I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane."

 

[specs]

Silently I slipped the condom over my erect dlck and unrolled it down the
entire length of my throbbing shaft, never once losing eye contact with the
young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then breaking the silence I spoke ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please ...

 

[specs]

The definition of alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got!

Marriage, the leading cause of divorce

When we divorced we shared the house 50 / 50. She got the inside...I got the outside !

A 98 year old man and a 95 year old woman went to a lawyer to get a divorce."How long have you been married?" he asked. "75 rough and rocky years," they said. "Then, why have you waited so long to file for divorce?" They replied, "We had to wait for the kids to die!" -

"Congratulations, my boy!" said the uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," the groom protested. "I know," replied the uncle -

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied "A billionaire."

My wife ran off with my best friend and I really miss him -

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. - A conversation between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill

 

[specs]

Important Notice. I will not be about for about a week or 2. Some will rejoice in this news, others will be in denial. To those rejoicing I say 'I Will Be Back', to those in denial I suggest you re-read this thread and add a few' likes' and' thanks' to the one's you might have missed The reason for my absence is , :I have a big job on :

 

[Engineer54]

For those of you who are old enough to remember, enjoy it.


For the rest - it's a history lesson!!
Very surprising how time and memory has taken its toll.Have things really changed this much in our time?


EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES AND SIXTIES.....

Pasta had not been invented.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Only Heinz made beans.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.




The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was elbows!

 

[telectrix]

like it. especially the muesli and water comments.

 

[Earthstore]

[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Hi all, not sure if you have read this about Veet, but I read it some time back somewhere, it is very long but well worth the read, I was crying with laughter when reading it....[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.[/FONT]
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...[/FONT]