A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[dan86]

Some bloke knocked on the door today.

I opened it and he stood there, about 3 ft 3 inches tall.

I said "who are you?" he said

"I'm the meter man"

 

[dan86]

I thought I saw Joey Essex's nickname on a loaf of bread today, but when I got closer I realised it actually said, "thick cut".

 

[steve50]

Father John !

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. 'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.' 'Saved ? And how did that come about ?' asked the old nun. 'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.' 'Did he now ?' said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.' 'Is that a fact ?' said the old nun even more evenly. 'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.' 'That wicked old *******, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've beenblowing it for 40 years !

 

[specs]

For those of you who are old enough to remember, enjoy it.


For the rest - it's a history lesson!!
Very surprising how time and memory has taken its toll.Have things really changed this much in our time?


EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES AND SIXTIES.....

Pasta had not been invented.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Only Heinz made beans.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.




The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was elbows!

liked it for the elbows bit

 

[steve50]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on . When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large... 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.' Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Jack.'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.' Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack. 'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.' Go Jill!

 

[specs]

oh well, never mind

 

[specs]

just another joke that no one will see

 

[specs]

I give up.

 

[specs]

and yet another joke missed

 

[telectrix]

you have. we haven't. LOL.

 

[Silly Sausage]

The pills are back firing or/and he's got friendly with i=p/u

 

[specs]

scuse me whilst I sort this

 

[telectrix]

haha. specs has been to specsavers and now hits enter instead of space. :77:

 

[Silly Sausage]

Oi! Specs, are you some kind of joke?!?!

 

[specs]

Oi! Specs, are you some kind of joke?!?!

seems that way