A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Guest111]

Teacher asks little Billy to make a sentence with the word "terrain" in it Billy replies "thats easy miss, according to the weather forecast it's going te rain over the weekend"

 

[R G]

Penis Broken Hmmm Had to look twice......

 

[Pete999]

Penis Broken HmmmView attachment 26454View attachment 26454 Had to look twice......

He could use his Dictaphone

 

[Guest77]

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador.
"**** off" says Mick
"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

 

[Besoeker]

Jerry Seinfeld
· The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

· Morning differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it! We just wake up and we want you! And the women are thinking: "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve

 

[Besoeker]

I originally heard this on a Billy Connoly tape. I have tried to avoid words that are (a) offensive and (b) local and unintelligible.

One day the Russian Circus came to Glasgow. At the end of the show the ringmaster made an announcement of a special act – Ivan the Terrible, a Russian wrestler.
Ivan has two special holds, the Half Pretzel which always causes an immediate submission by the opponent, and the Full Pretzel which breaks his back. So the ringmaster starts his spiel :
“One thousand pounds for anyone who can last three minutes with Ivan the Terrible”
Immediately Wee Hughie hears the amount of money he jumps up without thinking much about the consequences.
“I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it” (More like “Ah’ll dae it“ but this is the international version !)
So Wee Hughie gets in the ring and strips down ready to tackle Ivan. The ringmaster brings in Ivan, a huge man, covered in hair and tattooed everywhere. Ivan just grunts and bares his teeth and dribbles. An absolute animal. Wee Hughie stands back in amazement at what he has let himself in for, but then starts to think about the money again (he would, being a Scot).
So the bout starts and pretty soon Big Ivan gets Wee Hughie in the half Pretzel. The crowd gasp……
Then, Ivan gets Hughie’s other arm and the Full Pretzel is on. A terrified hush falls on the crowd…..

Suddenly Big Ivan comes flying off and cracks his head on the edge of the circus ring and falls unconscious. The crowd go absolutely wild.
The ringmaster comes over to congratulate Hughie and give him the money.
“So Hughie, this has never been done before – tell us how you did it.”
“Aye weel, it was like this. He got me in that Pretzel thing and I could just feel the life draining out of my body. Suddenly, I saw it there right in front of me – this huge great Willie. So I sank my teeth right into it. And you know, it’s amazing the surge of strength you get when you bite your own Willie”

 

[Kamikaze]

This is what happens when you hold your farts in.:yesnod:

 

[Pete999]

This is what happens when you hold your farts in.:yesnod:
View attachment 26581

Got to be Walmart

 

[norcal]

Got to be Walmart

My first thought in viewing that photo was that it came from the People of WalMart website.

 

[ian.settle1]

Heard that the new Star Wars film is to go PC.

It has a fat robot in it to go with R2D2 and C3PO its called OBCT

 

[tidyboiler]

 

[telectrix]

is tat a selfie?

:21:

 

[SPARTYKUS]

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer but the bartender says

"sorry we don't serve noble gases here"

He doesn't react.

 

[SPARTYKUS]

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar.

And doesn't.

 

[SPARTYKUS]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

The barman says "you mean a martini?"

The Roman says

"If I wanted a double I would have asked for it"



and....

another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says

"five beers please"