A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Barry White]

A true story Honest :-- was doing a job on a farm ans stupidly managed to trap my finger in the top of a combine harvester the finger although not completly severed was just hanging on by the top knuckle with the bone sticking out. This suprisingly was not painful so afterbandaging it up I rung my wife.
"I've chopped my finger of love" she replied not the whe whole finger" "no" I said "the one next to it"
still she didnt see the funny side of it and thought I was joking untill i returned home from hospital.

 

[specs]

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.

About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

 

[R G]

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so ****ing fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 ----- and a smoke!"

 

[norcal]

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform,

marches into a pharmacy.


Very carefully he opens his sporran

and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,

unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief,

which he also unfolds -

to reveal a condom.


The condom has a number of patches on it.


The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.


"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.


"Six pence" says the chemist.


"How much for a new one?"


"Ten pence" says the chemist.


The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the



silk square handkerchief

and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,

and marches out of the door,

shoulders back and kilt swinging.


A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,

followed byan even greater shout.


The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists

and addresses the proprietor,this time with a grin on his face.


"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

“We'll have a new one."

 

[specs]

if you feel that you had a disappointing Christmas....just remember, someone somewhere was unwrapping a Tottenham shirt

 

[specs]

A young ventriloquist is touring Essex and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It is men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!"

 

[specs]

Here?s Why Scottish Police Have The Greatest Sense Of Humor | Dumpest

 

[specs]

Glaswegian nicknames‏















"The Colostomy" - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

"The Boomerang Kid" - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '

"The Parachute" - lets everyone down at the last minute.

"Vaseline" - his real name is Willie Burns.




"Rembrandt" - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

"Bo Derek" - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

"The Genie" - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

"Dulux" - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

"Soapy" - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

"The Yeti" - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

"The Gas Man" - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

"The Hostage" - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

"The Olympic Flame" - he never goes out!

 

[specs]

"Two Soups" - his real name is Campbell Baxter

 

[specs]

"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.”

 

[Besoeker]

"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.”

Reminds me of a nickname that a friend of my son-in-law had.
Mabawser.

His name was Ritchie.

Mabawser Ritchie..........

 

[Besoeker]

"Two Soups" - his real name is Campbell Baxter

Friend and ex-colleague was Two Dogs.
Martin.
Two dogs fartin'

 

[specs]

A MORALITY TEST



Read to the end before making a judgment.



This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.



By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.



The test features an unlikely fictional situation, in which you will have to make a decision.



Remember that your answer needs to be honest and spontaneous.



Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.



* THE SITUATION *



You are in London. There is chaos all around you, caused by a storm with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.



You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.



You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



* THE TEST *



Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.



You move closer. Somehow, the man looks familiar.



You suddenly realize who it is.



It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza, the one-eyed, hook handed ******* who hates non-Muslims and wants the UK to become an Islamic state.



You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.



You have TWO options:



You can save the life of Abu



or



You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men.



*THE QUESTION*



AND PLEASE GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER



Would you select high contrast colour film, high density full colour digital or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

 

[steve50]

A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching ****."
Dad says,” What? At your age I didn't even know what **** was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,” Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

 

[steve50]

.........