A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A modern Islamic couple preparing for a religious wedding meet with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man says, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together. "

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately. "

"So, after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife? "

" No , " answers the Mullah. " It ' s forbidden in Islam . "

"Well, OK," says the man. "What about sex?

Can we finally have sex? "

" Of course ! " replies the Mullah. " AlIaho Akber !

Sex is OK within a marriage to have children ! "

"What about different positions?" asks the man. "AlIaho Akber! No problem," says the Mullah. "Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "AlIaho Akber. Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! AlIaho Akber! "

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! AlIaho Akber!"

"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a ****o video?"

" You may, indeed. AlIaho Akber ! "

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No," says the Mullah.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing."

 

[Kamikaze]

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."
The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine."
This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

 

[specs]

A guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
-------------------------------------



One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
"Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said..."Where?"

They walk amongst us!

----------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east,
and has for some time. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Amongst Us!
--------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an administration girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she "didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving."

They Walk Amongst Us!
------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Amongst Us!
-------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and

went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Amongst Us!
------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and

the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time
then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces;

I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces."

They Walk Amongst Us. .............. AND Last But Not The Least.!!



-----------------------------------------------------------

Traffic Camera.
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for

driving without a seat belt!!!

You can't fix stupid.

 

[tazz]

"You Better What Out....I Think It`s A Guy.....I Not Quite Sure....But Something Aint Right........
...Susan Boyle Is Coming To Town.....!!!!

 

[Silly Sausage]

Teacher is asking class have they done their homework and found a use for the word "contagious"
She points to Jenny in the first row."Yes miss. If there is measles about I can stop off school cos it's contagious"
"Very good, Jenny", noticing that Naughty Johnny is waving his arm about at the back. "What about you, Edward"
"OK miss. Leprosy is contagious and all your fingers drop off "
"Well, not sure if that's entirely true but you've got the right idea"

There is only Johhny left so she is obliged to ask wearily"Yes, Johhny, what have you got for us?"

"Please, miss.My dad says we aren't having the same painter to do the house next time because it took the contagious just to do the kitchen...."

 

[Silly Sausage]

[FONT=Calibri, sans-serif][FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]Guy was feeling a bit lonely, so he decided life would be more fun if He had a pet. So, He went to the pet shop and told the owner that He wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, He finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] [/FONT][/FONT]
He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided He would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer. This bothered him a bit, but He waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So,He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] [/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]A little voice came out of the box...............[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] [/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]I heard you the first time, I'm putting my f ing shoes on!"[/FONT]
[/FONT]

 

[Kamikaze]

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Beforer his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "next Sunday it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp!

2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.

3. there are twelve disciples, not ten.

4. We do not refer to the cross as the Big Y.

5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, Thanks for the grub!"

6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $hit out of him.

7. Do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the boys."

8. The father, son and holy ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook."

9. It is always the "Virgin Mary", never "Mary with the cherry."

10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's."

 

[specs]

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.


The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.



The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"


Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."


The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."


Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"



Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."



Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."


The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money.

 

[specs]

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment,whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 6 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

 

[specs]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 1 October 2005

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon, in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols ........ feel free to sing along!

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00pm.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

*************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 2 October 2005

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree present, No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

***************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 3 October 2005

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table................. you didn't sign your name.

I'm happy to accommodate this request but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money and executives believe $10 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

****************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4 October 2005

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of the year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross-dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food, we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

***************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F***ing Employees

DATE: 5 October 2005

RE: The F***ing Holiday Party

Vegetarian A******s I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**********************

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: 6 October 2005

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

 

[specs]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And after a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly licks her right butt cheek .

The woman is shocked and has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed it in action!"

 

[specs]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T errors before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ... I used to like the little s**t.............

 

[Kamikaze]

Belated seasons greetings specs! :grinningelf:

 

[Kamikaze]

An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any nickers."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing nickers!''

The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "###### thing's running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?

 

[Kamikaze]

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."