A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

*Warning about e-Bay* *
Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent $ 195 plus sales tax on a penis enlarger.

ba$tard$ sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instruction said, "Do not use in sunlight."*

 

[Geordie Spark]

 

[specs]

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise

 

[Geordie Spark]

 

[Silly Sausage]

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

............................................. or

I'm engaged in a bit of onanism, please advise.

 

[Silly Sausage]

Teacher asks the kids in class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Billy says "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200 ft yacht, an infinite visa card and I wanna screw her 3 times a day..."
The teacher in shock ignores the boy and turns to little Nancy and asks " What about you dear?"
"I wanna be Billy's bitch.

 

[Silly Sausage]

Paddy & Mick flew to Canada for an adventure.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to shoot 6. Loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power
the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

[Silly Sausage]

Two Irish nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.

"Oi, get your clothes off, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross". So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts,
"Peess off you little barstewards, before I come over there and rip your head off"!

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks "Was that cross enough"?

 

[specs]

The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.

Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"

 

[specs]

WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. Innovative


2. Preliminary


3. Proliferation


4. Cinnamon





WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. Specificity


2. Anti-constitutionalistically


3. Passive-aggressive disorder


4. Transubstantiate





WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. No thanks, I'm married.


2. Nope, no more booze for me!


3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.


4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.


5. I'm not interested in fighting you.


6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination


and would hate to look like a real Fool!


7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning