A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[tidyboiler]

The other day I was walking past a field when I noticed 100 chickens fighting a donkey

It was a close contest but no --- can take that many cocks

Oh where's Geordie when I need his comment!!!! :whatchutalkingabout
:38:

 

[tidyboiler]

Now I can sleep in peace.

 

[dan86]

"My dad is harder than your dad."

"Yeah? Who's told you that?"

"Your mum."

 

[dan86]

"How can I be racist when my father is Indian?" my mate asked.

"The same way you're a vegetarian and your mums a cow."

 

[moospark]

Apparently a bird may have been responsible for causing the Norfolk helicopter crash.

They probably shouldn't have let her fly it.

Bird shat on my windscreen the other day, last time I take her out.

 

[dan86]

was bored this morning so made this

 

[stitch]

If you had a good laugh at the Veet for men reviews on Amazon, have a look at the reviews for sugar free gummi bears.

Amazon.com: Customer Reviews: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag

 

[telectrix]

obviously he doesn't use it much. it's rusty.

 

[Silly Sausage]

Juan Mata has just been arrested for doing a U-turn on the M6. :smilielol5:

 

[tazz]

Corry was so sad tonight

 

[steve50]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around
his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,
when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I
noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there
was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle
of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

'Hey, this looks like yours!'

'I don't remember much after that!'

 

[steve50]

NORTHERNERS



Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.



Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day, resting. He

enquired of God,



'Where have you been?'



God pointed downwards through the clouds.



Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'



'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it

Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'



'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.



God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example,

North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South

America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot,

and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white

people and over there is a continent of black people.'



God continued, pointing to the different countries. This one will be

extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'



The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of

land

and asked, 'What's that?'



'Ah,' said God. 'That's the North of England, the most glorious place on

earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the

North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's

finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The

people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and

humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be

extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known

throughout the world as speakers of truth.'



Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,



'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'



God replied very wisely,



'Wait till you see the bunch of ----ers I'm putting down South to govern the

country!'

 

[steve50]

IT’S A BOY!" he shouted. "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY!" And with tears streaming down his face







he swore he’d never visit another Thai Brothel!

 

[pepparz]

Why has NASA never sent a woman to the moon......


Because it doesn't need ironing!!!

 

[Spoon]

Apparently when your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...." "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.