A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[trev]

3 old boys in a pub talking about the best way to do the deed with a sheep.
Old boy one says "Best way is to loosen your belt off, put her back legs through it and away you go"
Old boy two says " No, best way is to jam her back legs down your wellies and away you go"
Old boy three says "You're both wrong, the best way is missionary position. Roll her over on her back, get on top of her and away you go. Just like you'd do with a woman"
OBs 1 and 2 ask what's so great about missionary with a sheep
OB 3 replies "Well it's the only way I know that you can give her a kiss while you're doing her"

 

[Badged01]

Royal Marine Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.
5. be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet, even your friends
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose calibre does not start with a “4.”
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & Diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. In ten years nobody will remember the details of calibre, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
12. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

- - - Updated - - -

Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lt’s; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

RAF Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what’s on Sky.
4. Ask “what is a gunfight?”
5. Request more funding from Government with a “killer” Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ‘key’ MPs; invite MOD & defence industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets “strategic” and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tea-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

Royal Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink rum

AND………

3. Deploy Marines

 

[Badged01]

SBS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

SAS Rules:
1. Walk 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from “Higher” to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

 

[Spoon]

Royal Marine Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.
5. be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet, even your friends
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose calibre does not start with a “4.”
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & Diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. In ten years nobody will remember the details of calibre, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
12. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

I quite like most of these rules. 5 is a bit OTT

 

[sofiamanaban]

This is certainly a fantastic write-up.

 

[dan86]

I was in the supermarket in the butchers section today, and this woman asks me, "What's the cheapest kind of meat?" to which I reply with a straight face, "Deer balls because they're under a buck."

 

[trev]

In the butchers the other day and I asked how much the venison steaks were, he said £14.50 per kg.
I replied "That's a bit dear"

 

[Pete999]

But the Chicken was cheaper?

 

[Meggerman]

I was in the butchers on Saturday and he had sirloin way up and needed a step ladder to reach them. I said I'd like a couple. He went up ladder and came back down empty handed. He said I reached for them and the ladder moved, the steaks are just too high!

 

[Pete999]

Oh I'm eggstatic

 

[telectrix]

old lady has 2 cats, a tom and a she. they are both old and both die on the same day ( the cats).not being fond of parting with them, she takes the cats to the local taxidermist. he asks if she's like them mounted.

" no, just stand them side by side"

 

[Pete999]

What a catasstrophe

 

[R G]

Two lepers playing cards , one threw his hand in , the other laughed his head off..

What goes along the sea bed at 90 MPH , a motorpike and sidecarp,,,

 

[telectrix]

2 prostitutes were working the leper colony, but left because trade was dropping off.

 

[Pete999]

Two lepers playing cards , one threw his hand in , the other laughed his head off..

What goes along the sea bed at 90 MPH , a motorpike and sidecarp,,,

As a keen fresh water angler I have to tell you Pike and Carp don't live in the sea, honest only funning you lol