A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

I asked the bookshop owner for the new book by Nick Clegg.

"I think I've sold out," he replied.

I said "that's the one."

 

[specs]

We were missing you, but we are not after that one!:59:

You know you don't mean that.

 

[specs]

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

 

[R G]

A man was wearing a placard , on the front it said "Alcohol is thy enemy", on the back it said "Love thy enemy",,,

 

[specs]

A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet.​

​

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.​

​

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter said with admiration.​

​

'Thanks,' the girl replied.​

​

The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.​

​

'Little partner,' the fire fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '​

​

The little girl, after giving it some thought, replied , 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
​

 

[R G]

An elderly lady took her Budgie that had fainted to a vet , The vet looked at it and said Its passed away , the lady asked if she could have a second opinion , The vet bought in a cat and the cat sniffed the budgie and shook its head , The vet then went out and brought in a labrador , again he sniffed the budgie and shook his head , The lady was now convinced the budgie has passed away , The vet then gave the lady the bill , and immediately the lady voiced her opinion at the high cost , The vet then explained the charges "what with the cat scan and the lab report the charges are high"..

 

[trev]

Saddam Hussien caught 3 Soldiers in the dessert, A Guardsmen a Paratrooper & a Royal Engineer. He lined the 4 soldiers up in front of a mine field

So where did the 4th one come from and what happened to him?

 

[Badged01]

So where did the 4th one come from and what happened to him?

He was special forces so can't be discussed!

 

[Paul.M]

Years ago the saying "Jimmy Saville covered in custard" was just a way of not being premature on your ""enjoyment"".

These days its a law suit!!!

 

[dan86]

I always prefer red haired women.

Rusty roof means the cellar is wet as well.

 

[specs]

There's an annual contest at Bond University, Australia calling for the
most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's chosen term
was "political correctness".

The winning student wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical
minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the
proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shlt by the
clean end."

Perhaps the most truthful words ever spoken

 

[dan86]

Oranges can be either male or female.

The males sometimes unexpectedly squirt in your eye.

The females are bitter for no apparent reason.

 

[telectrix]

deleted as link don't work.

 

[telectrix]

got it now. this is hilarious.

Devil baby attacks New York - YouTube

 

[R G]

got it now. this is hilarious.

Devil baby attacks New York - YouTube

Nice one Tel ,, wouldn't like to meet the parents ,, HeHe..