A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[steve50]

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[steve50]

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[steve50]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or
make you get out of the pond naked. '

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

 

[Besoeker]

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia .”

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

 

[specs]

The
Italian Virginity Test

Mario is planning to marry and asks his

family doctor how he could tell if

his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.










His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know

use three things for what we call

a
Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~

a small can of Red paint,

a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."










Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"









The doctor replies ... "Before you climb

into bed on your wedding night,

you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.







If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen !',









...........you hit her with the Shovel.

 

[Badged01]

Breaking News :- The England Team visited an Orphanage in Brazil today " Its Heartbreaking to see their sad little faces, filled with desperation and no hope" said Jose aged 6

 

[dazza1981]

Whats 9 inches long and flaps around in front of a c@@t .......... Roy Hodgsons tie !!!!!

 

[telectrix]

Blondes Mailbox A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "You’ve got mail!"

 

[telectrix]

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

source: Dumb Blonde Jokes - Stupid Blonde Jokes

 

[dan86]

Hundreds of Pikeys were left disappointed last night at Glastonbury.

Metallica wasn't the kind of heavy metal they'd hoped it would be...

 

[dan86]

Serena Williams exits Wimbledon with a virus.


I bet it's man flu

 

[Kamikaze]

Biblical Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader called "Abraham of Com" did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And "Dot of Com" was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had often been called "Amazon Dot Com". And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How might I do that my dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete (look it up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.
And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others".
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or as it came to be known 'eBay' he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are".
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators". 'YAHOO!' exclaimed Abraham.
And that is how it all began.
Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.

 

[zap]

courtesy of Private Eye...

 

[tidyboiler]

 

[telectrix]

and waiting for the perfect woman.