A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

 

[jaypp]

Got stung by a bee today. £4.50 for a jar of honey!

 

[Guest111]

I was getting it on with this bird and she said "kiss me where it smells" I replied "I'm not going to Widnes at this time of night"

 

[Guest111]

a man walks into the sandwich shop where one of the girls offers hand relief as a sideline,an attractive young lady approaches him,"are you the girl that does the handjobs?" he asks" yes " she replies" well go and wash them I want a ham sandwich."

 

[Guest111]

the wife happened to mention that this year will be our fifteenth wedding anniversary,"ah yes" I replied in a world of my own "if I'd done a murder I'd be getting parole about now"

 

[Guest111]

lesbians eat what!

 

[R G]

A woman goes to the doctor and is having trouble taking the pill , Doctor asks whats the problem , woman sys it keeps falling out ..

 

[specs]

I just cant get excited about a sporting event where a government have spent millions funding it yet people live in squalor and deprivation. Where drugs are rife and life expectation is very low.

But enough of the commonwealth games in Glasgow, the World Cup started today.

 

[specs]

Took the girlfriend round to meet the family today. Turns out my wife hates her.

 

[specs]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

 

[specs]

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:



Banking 'Service'




Postal 'Service'




Telephone 'Service'




Pay TV 'Service'




State & Public 'Service'




Customer 'Service'




Bureaucratic 'Service'




This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.




Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.




Suddenly WOW! It all became clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!

 

[Kamikaze]

European Union Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “Spending a Penny” is not to be used after 31 December 2014.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be “Euronating”.

 

[Kamikaze]

Knock Knock,,

Who's there?

The Gestapo,

The Gestapo who?

"I VILL ASK ZEE QUVEASTIONS!!!!

 

[Slowhand]

How many cockroaches does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nobody knows because they all run off when you turn the light on......

 

[telectrix]

how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

only 1, but the lightbulb has to want to change.