A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[dan86]

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.


Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.


Number 6
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny.
Since they can't tell them apart,
When you see a gleam in his eyes,
make him a sandwich.


Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you
for weeks, months, maybe years.


Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.


Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.


Number 2
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--
What you do today,
might burn your arse tomorrow

... and as someone once said to me:
"Don't worry about old age-- It doesn't last that long."

 

[R G]

A woman tells her husband that the doctor she went to see tells her she has a nice -----, so the husband says thats not right and approaches the doctor , he tells the husband that his wife has an acute angina!!

 

[ian.settle1]

A woman tells her husband that the doctor she went to see tells her she has a nice -----, so the husband says thats not right and approaches the doctor , he tells the husband that his wife has an acute angina!!

Chubby Brown at his best.

 

[dan86]

a view of the milky way from mars

 

[Besoeker]

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal illness.

 

[Richard Burns]

Insanity is hereditary: you get it from your kids.

 

[specs]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200
dead crows near
greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from
Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows,
and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu ...
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying
colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and
claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98%
of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2%
were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if
there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages
of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road
kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn
of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout
"Cah"....





not a single one could shout "Truck."

 

[specs]

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair

 

[specs]

Dilemma: wash dishes or eat cornflakes off a plate with a knife

 

[specs]

I was getting nowhere chatting up this very attractive posh-looking bird the other night, so I asked her,

“Do you always give blokes such a hard time? I mean, have you ever slept with anyone before?”

“That's my business!” she snapped back at me.

“Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realise,” I responded. “How much?”

 

[specs]

I'm always hard at work. I've gotten three warnings about it already

 

[specs]

I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.

"Drink it," they said, giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the busturds were trying to pull.

Fosters

 

[specs]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!

 

[Besoeker]

I originally heard this on a Billy Connoly tape. I have tried to avoid words that are (a) offensive and (b) local and unintelligible.

One day the Russian Circus came to Glasgow. At the end of the show the ringmaster made an announcement of a special act – Ivan the Terrible, a Russian wrestler.
Ivan has two special holds, the Half Pretzel which always causes an immediate submission by the opponent, and the Full Pretzel which breaks his back. So the ringmaster starts his spiel :
“One thousand pounds for anyone who can last three minutes with Ivan the Terrible”
Immediately Wee Hughie hears the amount of money he jumps up without thinking much about the consequences.
“I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it” (More like “Ah’ll dae it“ but this is the international version !)
So Wee Hughie gets in the ring and strips down ready to tackle Ivan. The ringmaster brings in Ivan, a huge man, covered in hair and tattooed everywhere. Ivan just grunts and bares his teeth and dribbles. An absolute animal. Wee Hughie stands back in amazement at what he has let himself in for, but then starts to think about the money again (he would, being a Scot).
So the bout starts and pretty soon Big Ivan gets Wee Hughie in the half Pretzel. The crowd gasp……
Then, Ivan gets Hughie’s other arm and the Full Pretzel is on. A terrified hush falls on the crowd…..

Suddenly Big Ivan comes flying off and cracks his head on the edge of the circus ring and falls unconscious. The crowd go absolutely wild.
The ringmaster comes over to congratulate Hughie and give him the money.
“So Hughie, this has never been done before – tell us how you did it.”
“Aye weel, it was like this. He got me in that Pretzel thing and I could just feel the life draining out of my body. Suddenly, I saw it there right in front of me – this huge great Willie. So Ah sinks my teeth right intae it. And you know, it’s amazing the surge of strength you get when you bite your own Willie”

 

[specs]

I turned to my wife last night and said, "I'm into ----".

She gave me a look of despair and glared at me as she said, "Animal".

I love it when we do the cryptic crossword together