A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[jaypp]

I was gonna put my 'wasp' joke in the pet's thread. don't know why 'but every time I think about a bloke wanting to buy a 'wasp 'in a pet shop just cracks me up. ok folks I'm gone. I'm not gonna post again until I get over this one,might take some time tho

Well I for one loved the wasp joke! Reminded me of the 'got stung by a bee' one.

 

[Besoeker]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked quite aghast, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the damn gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the mother facker to death with the chair!"

 

[dan86]

Tulisa has revealed that she tried to commit suicide by taking a cocktail of vodka and painkillers.

It didn't work as she barely put them in her mouth and definitely didn't swallow them.

 

[specs]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'------------------------------------------------------------ Not yet over the wasp joke, hence this

 

[trev]

The wasp joke is a classic.

 

[specs]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

 

[specs]

The wasp joke is a classic.

Trev, don't know why, but every time I think about a bloke wanting to buy a bludy wasp in a pet shop I just go into one. it just creases me up, its like something out of monty python ( which I loved). Are wasps like parrots ? Think I just lost the plot, damn you alcohol .

 

[specs]

Scousers take everything seriously. No seriously, they take everything

 

[telectrix]

OI!!!!!!

 

[specs]

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. I’m lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that’s pretty crappy," he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left --------." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right -------- tied to bedpost."

 

[Besoeker]

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.
"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean....and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Declan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the
darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place.
Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking, not sideways but FORWARDS, one claw after another! Step by step he made his
approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush..........




Finally, the crab spoke...




"Bagger it., I'm pished."

 

[specs]

OI!!!!!!

Sorry mate, my misses is from L/Pool, celebrated our 43rd wedding anniversary yesterday. Love her to bits, but can't help myself when it comes to the odd comment. Must be my inner self fighting back. Besides which you live on the posh side , so my misses says.Rumour has it that you have inside loo's and leccy meters that you pay every 3 months.

 

[telectrix]

no apology needed, mate. water off a duck's arse.

 

[dan86]

I wonder if in Africa they have 'Lynx England' that smells of cigarettes and disappointment.

 

[Besoeker]

I wonder if in Africa they have 'Lynx England' that smells of cigarettes and disappointment.

Maybe in Libya........?