A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Kamikaze]

You still opening Xmas crackers this time of year :joker:

I hate to break it to you this way but…

 

[steve50]

1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one
club and two balls.

2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so
may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time
to
admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed
bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played,
or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played.
Upset
course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this
reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first
time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in
this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of
play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush
around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and
approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners
request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.

 

[R G]

No more condoms for me then;

 

[telectrix]

what does a man say to a woman with 2 black eyes?





nothing, he's already told her twice.

 

[Kamikaze]

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

 

[Marvo]

For sale.

 

[Barry White]

scientist have found that many women develop "Hoover Disease". After yrs of marriage, they begin to make a continuous whining noise but don't suck any more.

 

[GMES]

I asked my boss "What do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?" He replied, "Just pop it in the corner". 4 bloody hours it took me!

 

[R G]

Went to a party with a condom on my nose , when asked what I had come as I said F--- Nose...

 

[R G]

Electric chair anyone

 

[steve50]

BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills..
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks ...
And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.”

 

[steve50]

THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. “Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

BIOLOGY EXAM:
This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking theirmid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck............
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.

 

[steve50]

A RIDE IN THE TAXI
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and allthe prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth?They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens tothem?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers!!!" she said.

 

[steve50]

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!”

 

[steve50]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer. "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all t...hat money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays