A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Darkwood]

I got one of those @mykey , I do rate it so don't get me wrong but it's missing a breakfast in bed option which was a disappointment in all honesty, I'm hoping the next gen' will have this and more options as it's just getting tiresome now having to get up and make my own.

 

[Barry White]

 

[Taylortwocities]

With the Holiday Season fast approaching, how about a round reminding ourselves of some of the more memorable (or indeed forgettable)"Cracker Jokes", such as -

What did the Electrician's wife ask her husband when he came home at 3.45 a.m.?

Wire you insulate?

 

[Wilko]

A bit of a Daddy Joke follows :
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

 

[Rpa07]

Yes but how do you know he's ticklish in the first place - you give him a --------!

 

[Wilko]

Ok, next DJ :
Why did the rabbit try to eat the road?
He thought it was a dual cabbageway

 

[Barry White]

A huge Plumber was taking the micky out of an aged electrician lifting gas bottles in the air and offering to arm wrestle him. The electrician replied “I bet you a weeks wages I can carry something outside and you wont be able to carry it back in” The plumber immediately took the bait agreeing to the bet.

The old electrician grabbed a wheelbarrow by the handles and said “get in”

 

[Barry White]

Nicola Sturgeon says she does not accept the result of the England v scotland match as it does not reflect the view of the scottish people.

 

[Wilko]

I've been laid up with some viral disaster for nearly a week now, and apparently I've started to complain about it. So in a helpful and supportive way this pic was sent to me. Most kind.

 

[Barry White]

Me and the wife had doggy sex today I lasted one and a half hours


(thats one and a half minutes in human years)

 

[Taylortwocities]

Me and the wife had TANTRIC sex yesterday. She said it was like the last time we tried to get a plumber.
You stay in all day, but nobody comes!

 

[Leesparkykent]

 

[Barry White]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.

After the community sing along led by Pete at the piano, it was time for the star of the show – Tel the Hypnotist!

Tel explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes,each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Tel.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Tel carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket
watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Tel, holding the watch high for all to see. It is a very special and valuable watch
that has been in my family for six generations" said Tel.

Tel began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch. Watch the watch. Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were all hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!

"$HIT!" said Tel.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre, and Tel was never invited there again.

 

[Barry White]

Why did the electrician marry his wife? Because he couldn’t resistor.

What is the difference between a woman and a battery? One of them has a positive side!

Why are electricians up to date? Because they are current specialists.

Why should electricians never play poker with plumbers? A good flush beats a full house!

 

[Wilko]

Two satellites fancied each other, a heavenly romance one could say. They decided to get married, the service was so-so but the reception was great ...