The names in this funny story are not based on Tel and Pete999 from this Forum are they? perchance.
Discuss A new jokes thread for your amusement. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectriciansForums.net
probably.
OP
Barry White
Last edited by a moderator:
Yes you are prolly right Tel, kin Prolly
OP
Barry White
Got home this morning and all my doors and windows were open OMG everything has gone too!
Bloody kids not buying any more advent calendars
Bloody kids not buying any more advent calendars
OP
Barry White
HOW TO MAKE LOVE 
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
ANSWERING THE PHONE
Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak ...loudly and clearly ... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You ... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is ... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod over, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
ANSWERING THE PHONE
Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak ...loudly and clearly ... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You ... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is ... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod over, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
OP
steve50
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
OP
Barry White
I bought my wife a fridge for her birthday. I know it's not the greatest gift, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it!
OP
Barry White
The other day a local mosque opened its doors and invited non-Muslims to visit in the spirit of their faith's willingness to be open and welcoming, so I too decided to go to the local mosque in Bradford for the first time to see what it was all about.
Bradford has a large Muslim population and at the time I was limping a little.
I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed -you will walk today."
I told him I wasn't paralysed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.
He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:"By the will of Allah and the
prophet Mohammed - you WILL walk today."
Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me. After prayers I stepped outside and bugger me he was right,
MY CAR WAS GONE
Bradford has a large Muslim population and at the time I was limping a little.
I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed -you will walk today."
I told him I wasn't paralysed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.
He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:"By the will of Allah and the
prophet Mohammed - you WILL walk today."
Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me. After prayers I stepped outside and bugger me he was right,
MY CAR WAS GONE
The ABCs of relationship locations :
Anywhere sex - so keen its almost embarrassing
Bedroom sex - so good you want the right location to do it justice
Corridor sex - where you see each other in the corridor and exchange pleasantries ("eff u" - "nooo, efff youuu")
Anywhere sex - so keen its almost embarrassing
Bedroom sex - so good you want the right location to do it justice
Corridor sex - where you see each other in the corridor and exchange pleasantries ("eff u" - "nooo, efff youuu")
Tantric sex, plumber's position
That's when you stay in all day, but nobody comes!!
That's when you stay in all day, but nobody comes!!
Knock knock
(Who's there?)
ASLEF
(ASLEF who)
ASLEF de train in de siding.
I is on strike!!
(Who's there?)
ASLEF
(ASLEF who)
ASLEF de train in de siding.
I is on strike!!
OP
steve50
![[ElectriciansForums.net] A new jokes thread for your amusement.](/proxy.php?image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.electriciansforums.co.uk%2Fdata%2Fattachments%2F25%2F25690-72a07efa754e4742473731680d7070e0.jpg&hash=563366fa39bb03bef7b7dfb635873543 "[ElectriciansForums.net] A new jokes thread for your amusement.")
OP
Barry White
Sorry more nuns jokes.
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat, And one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.""Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers:"What part did you get?"
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat, And one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.""Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers:"What part did you get?"
OP
Barry White
How to wash a cat.
1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.
4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.
5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.
6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.
8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.
With best wishes,
THE DOG
PS Notice to plumbers and kitchen fitters DO NOT TRY THIS ITS A JOKE!
1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.
4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.
5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.
6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.
8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.
With best wishes,
THE DOG
PS Notice to plumbers and kitchen fitters DO NOT TRY THIS ITS A JOKE!
Reply to A new jokes thread for your amusement. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectriciansForums.net
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