A new jokes thread for your amusement.

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North Korea prepares for War

 

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Fantastic News from Social Security concerning Pensions and Benefits













نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماپيدا

نيست نقش
If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

 

[specs]

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.

After a number of times of this happening, the teacher became increasingly worried and asked him about it.

Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed.

Every night my father asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".

The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.

The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive shiner again. "My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"

He turns to explain: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept dead still.

Then my father and my mother started moving {you know} at the same time.

Mom was breathing heavy and kicking her legs all over the place while squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"....

Then my father asks me mum: 'Are you coming?'

Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.

Now they don't usually go anywhere without me so I said ................" Wait for me..."

 

[specs]

A woman had a female parrot which kept saying: 'Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?'
She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor to find a solution to the problem. The Pastor said, 'Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her.'
So, the woman brought the parrot to his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She squawked,
'Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?'
One male parrot looked at the other one and said,
'Put away the Bible, Fred, our prayers have been answered.

 

[dan86]

"So how did the interview go?" my wife asked me.

"I'm not too sure to be honest, I said all the usual stuff like, I'm a hard working person, I get on well with others, I won't let anyone down, blah blah blah, but then he sort of looked at me funny."

"How come?" she replied.

"Because I said blah blah blah."

 

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The Irish Railway Company
The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company - Larnrod Eireann.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

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Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was on foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann.
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Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of Numbers, 22nd Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ---.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.


Biblical literacy at its best !

 

[specs]

There was a knock on the door this morning.



I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:





"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ."





I said "Come in and sit down."





I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"





He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."

 

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Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf clubs for his Saturday game.

His wife was standing at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit playing so much golf.

Maybe you should sell your clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't “







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On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.​

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"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you think that you are above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"​

​

The Englishman replied, "Awfully bloody sporting of your mother, old chap, eh what!"​

 

[telectrix]

haha, male sublety at it's best.

 

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you. The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high." Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story...did you????

 

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'An extraordinarily handsome Sotsman decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.


So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married,so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'

So they were wed right away .Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
Pregnant when you met her.'

 

[specs]

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Cameron in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Cameron was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Blair and said, "How about you" Mr. Blair?"

Blair replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."