A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

"I don't know why you bought that laptop. You never use it," said my wife.

She only says that because she checks my browsing history every day.

Ditto.

 

[shanky887614]

Ditto Ditto

go with firefox.

it lets you select delete last hour,2 hours, 4 hours or today

 

[dan86]

I do use Firefox
never delete history though. use me iPad for the good stuff!

 

[specs]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

- - - Updated - - -

 

[specs]

Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.

His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

 

[specs]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death.

 

[specs]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

 

[specs]

My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all !

 

[specs]

I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out
"Can I see your ticket please ?" "Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a ****."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn !"

 

[specs]

I do use Firefox
never delete history though. use me iPad for the good stuff!

Good thinking:wink_smile:

 

[specs]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,
"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over two months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over...
...women like that are hard to find."

 

[specs]

WIFE FROM HELL A police officer pulls over a speeding car.​ The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.' The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:​ 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?' The wife smiles demurely and says,​ 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.' As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' The officer frowns and says,​ 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic fine.' The driver says,​ 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.' The wife says,​ 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,​ ' W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??' The officer looks over at the woman and asks,​ 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?' (I love this part) 'Only when he's been drinking​

 

[specs]

A 75-year-old man goes to confession and tells the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex last night with two 20-year-old girls and I had sex with each one three times."

The priest says, "How long has it been since your last confession."

The man says, "I have never been to confession, I am Jewish."

"So why are you telling me?" asked the priest.

The man says, "I'm telling everybody."

 

[zap]

One from the archives...

 

[danielQM]

：90：Now the joke is always filled with ****ography ...