A new jokes thread for your amusement.

A guy meets a hooker in a bar

She says to him, "this is your lucky night. I've got a special going, for $300 i'll do absolutely anything you can think of but the catch is you have to be able to say it in 3 words or less."

The guy replies, "thats a great deal" then slowly lays out 3 $100 dollar bills and says


"Paint... My... House."
 
A precious little girl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner, "Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms,
Leans forward and says;

"It dothn't weally matter, I don't think my python givth a thit."
 
An urgent warning has been given to all ginger women to avoid getting the Brazilian done as it looks like a fish finger!
 
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you,But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The ******* used coins!"
 
Fred knocks on his pal Harrys door. Harry comes out bad tempered, muttering "That woman, that bloody woman, im gonna kill her, i'm gonna get a gun and kill her. Fred says don't do that you'll get life imprisonment, i 'll tell you what to do. Shag her to death, morning noon and night. It only takes two weeks and the police can never prove a thing. Harry says that's what i'll do.

A week later, Fred thinks i'd better go up and see how he's getting on. Harry comes to the door all bent and haggard a shawl over his shoulders, his wife's in the kitchen singing and whistleing like a canary. Fred says, " is everything ok, all going to plan?"
Harry says "yeah I think so, Huh, listen to her, happy as Larry, only got a week to live and dosen't even know it."
 
I was walking across a field when I came upon a well so I dropped a small pebble down it and listened for the splash....as you do.
Nothing. so i dropped a large stone down and listened......nothing. Next a very large rock..not a splash. Finally I saw a large railway sleeper laying so I dragged that across and sent it down and heard "Turrrumph turrrumph turrrumph getting louder. I looked round and saw a billy goat thundering straight for me, head and horns down, legs going like pistons. Just in time I swerved aside and the goat went shooting down the well. Phew I thought. Just then the farmer came along and said " Ere, arrv yew seen a goat arounds ere? " "No" says I
"That's strange says the farmer, he cant have gone far, I left him tied to a railway sleeper
 
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Baltimore, they have weekly husbands' Marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Tony, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary,
to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.

Tony replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I'v tried to treat her nice, spend money on her,
but best of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, Tony, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us, are you planning something special for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Tony proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
 
A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I knee pains.

"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor.

"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."

"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?"

"Not if you want to watch TV there ain't
 
A lady is running out of luck at the roulette table in a casino. She is left with only $500 and is absolutely desperate. She cries out, "This is the heights of bad luck! What in heaven's name should I do now?"

A gentleman standing next to her, tries to console her and says, "Why don't you just play your age?"

He goes away but in a short while, he hears some commotion and walks back to the roulette table. He is surprised to see the lady lying unconscious on the floor, while a crowd had gathered around her.

He asks the operator, "What happened to her? Is she ok?"

The operator replies, "I have no idea sir, she put all her money on 28. When 37 showed up, she just fainted!"
 
A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.

The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner."

"Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
 
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big ----- and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."
 
A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".

"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.

She prys off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.

The girl drinks another one.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that damn difficult, is it?" he says
 
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
 
Hi Uncle Tom,
I am a lady aged 26, I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home, I drove for just
about 2 km from home & my car engine started to overheat so I had to turn back to get another
car, when I got home I found my husband in bed with our maid, I don't know what to do now please help me.

UNCLE TOM'S REPLY:

Over heating of the engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the radiator, you need to check the oil and water level in your engine before you start your journey, you must also make sure your car is
serviced regularly to avoid problems in future hope this helps
 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp
 
As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after Weight Watchers, I muttered under my breath, "you bunch of fat cows."

"What was that?" snapped my wife.

"You herd." I replied!
 
Gday mate! Fosters helpine. How can we help mate?

Im in Australia holidaying with my girlfriend, and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, now her fanny has fully closed up?

"Bummer mate"

That's what i thought thanks guys Urulu
 
CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE YOU DIE ....... JUST PRICELESS

Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle Recently:
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless. And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this last September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around - £60.00.

A family member rang MBNA:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that my grandmother died in September.'

MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections section.'

MBNA: 'Since it is two months over due, it already has been.'

Family Member: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA: 'Either report her account to the Frauds Department or report her to The Credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be upset with her?'

MBNA: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?'

MBNA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm phoning to tell you, she died in September.'
MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA: (Stammer) 'Are you her solicitor?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her grandson'

MBNA: 'Could you fax us a death certificate?'

Family Member: 'no problem.'

( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you sort it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA: 'That would help.'

Family Member: ' Plot 1049.' Heaton Cemetery, Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne

MBNA: 'But, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the Hell do you do with dead people on your planet?'

The MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang them
 
Judy : I fail to understand what makes men so scared of commitment!

Vinnie : You are telling me! I dated this guy for a two years, and finally had to give him an ultimatum.

Judy: What did you tell him?

Vinnie: I just told him, "Look, you better tell me your last name, or its quits!"
 
I made a video of me speaking in an Indian accent and uploaded it on Youtube.

Next morning when I checked my emails, I had job offers from 12 call centres.
 
ImageUploadedByTapatalk1373486322.459766.jpg.
 
Two Chinese dudes break into a distillery.

One turns to the other and says. "Is this whiskey?"

The other one says. "Yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!"
 
This is top secret. (don't tell this to anyone)

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This is bottom secret. (don't tell this either)
 
Joe was a house keeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss’s liquor bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.

Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed color when water was added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed color from red to milky white. Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.

James told his wife about Joe’s misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies. So he shouted: “Joe? “

Joe answered from the kitchen: “Yes boss?”

James: “Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?” There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, “What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with ‘Yes Boss’ and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence?”

Joe said: “It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don’t hear anything else that is said, I swear.”

James: “How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?” So the boss went to the kitchen.

Joe shouted: “Boss?”

Boss: “Yes Joe?"

Joe: “Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam’s absence?”

Silence - no reply.

Joe again: “Who made the maid pregnant?”

No reply.

Joe, yet again: “And who arranged for her abortion?”

James came running from the kitchen and said: “By George, you are right. When one is in kitchen, one can’t hear anything but one’s name. That’s strange!”
 
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."
 
A mother visits her son for Thanksgiving and is suprised to find out he has a female roommate named Jennifer. Despite her suspicions, the two assure the mother that they are just friends. After the mom leaves, the ladle disappears. The young man emails his mother the following:

Dear Mom,

We're not saying you "did" take the ladle, we're not saying you "did not" take the ladle. All we're saying is that it's been missing since you left.

The mom replies:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. All I'm saying is if Jennifer were sleeping in her own bed, she would've found the ladle
 
A Romanian, an Arab,​
And a Yorkshire Lass are​
In the same bar.​
When the Romanian​
Finishes his beer,​
He throws his glass​
In the air, pulls Out ​
His pistol, and Shoots​
The glass To pieces.​
He says, 'In Romania,​
Our glasses are so​
Cheap we don't need​
to drink with the
Same one twice.'​





The Arab, obviously​
Impressed by this,​
Drinks non-alcohol beer​
​
Throws it into the​
Air, pulls out his​
AK-47, and shoots​
The glass to pieces.​
He says, 'In the​
Arab World, we have​
So much sand to make​
Glasses that we don't​
Need to drink with​
The same one twice either.'​





The Yorkshire Lass,> ​
Cool as a cucumber,​
Picks up her beer,​
Downs it in one gulp,​
Throws the glass into​
The air, whips out her​
45, and shoots the​
Romanian and the Arab.




Catching her glass,​
Setting it on the bar, ​
and calling​
For a refill,​
She says, 'In Yorkshire,​
We have so many​
Illegal immigrants that​
We don't have to​
Drink with the same ones twice.'​





God Bless Yorkshire !!​
 
specs said:
A mother visits her son for Thanksgiving and is suprised to find out he has a female roommate named Jennifer. Despite her suspicions, the two assure the mother that they are just friends. After the mom leaves, the ladle disappears. The young man emails his mother the following:

Dear Mom,

We're not saying you "did" take the ladle, we're not saying you "did not" take the ladle. All we're saying is that it's been missing since you left.

The mom replies:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. All I'm saying is if Jennifer were sleeping in her own bed, she would've found the ladle
Click to expand...

eh?? I don't get it.
 
hahaha!

i'm starting to feel a bit of a prat............i've just read it another three times and it's going straight over my head!!

what am i missing?
 
shagbite said:
why would she have found the ladle in her bed??
Click to expand...

OMFG lol.... they tell the mother they are just friends i.e. sleeping in their own beds .... the mother pinches the ladle and hides it in the girls bed ...if she was sleeping in her own bed she would have found it but because she's with him in his bed they both think the mother still has the ladle.... she called their bluff!!! Your no Sherlock TBH lol
 
cheers darkwood - you've done wonders for my self esteem!!

you're right though, i am a bit slow on the uptake sometimes.

(rubbish joke by the way).
 

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A new jokes thread for your amusement.
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