A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[dan86]

I maxed out my overdraft to buy a top of the range unicycle.

I knew riding it around the bank would do me favours.

They've rang me every morning since, to discuss my outstanding balance.

 

[dan86]

Took the missus out for a romantic meal last night and played footsie under the table while we were eating.
I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole.

 

[specs]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a good one. “I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. “Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. “I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.

He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He apologized and said, “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you.”

“I don't know,” replied the man, “picture this, I'm buck naked, hiding’ in this cedar chest.”

 

[specs]

A chicken farmer went to the local bar...He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

" What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added "It is a special day for me....I am celebrating."

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence." said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant!"

"What a coincidence!" said the man "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"That’s wonderful!" said the woman “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster! " he said.

The woman smiled and said "What a coincidence!"

 

[specs]

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.​

​

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."​

​

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before?

 

[MarkieSparkie]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star."
The agent asked, "What's your name..?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
“Really” said the agent “I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name..! “said the young man “The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will never change my name."
“Well” said the agent “I have worked in Hollywood for years and know you will NEVER go far with a name like Penis van Lesbian..! You will HAVE TO change your name or you'll never get on"
"So be it” said the youngster “I guess we will not do business together" and he left the agent's office.
Five years pass and the agent receives and opens an envelope, inside which was a letter and a cheque for $50,000.
Who would possibly send him $50,000..? He reads the letter...

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, but you told me I would never make it with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
I left your office and thought about what you said. I decided you were right and changed my name and signed with another agent. I would never have made it without taking your advice and changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

 

[MarkieSparkie]

The Birthday Wish
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Straight away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, sometimes he's just gonna get it wrong.

 

[specs]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own ' naughty swear word' blanket!"

 

[specs]

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.

"This is a stickup!" He yells. "Put all your dough in a bag!"

"Dont shoot," pleads the barkeep. "I'll do whatever you say!"

The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartenders head and says, "All right, now give me a blow job!"

"Anything!" cries the bartender. "Just dont shoot!"

The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.

The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. "Hold the gun, dammit," he says. "One of my friends might walk in!"

 

[specs]

Four brothers left home for college and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had a Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.

Mama wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."

 

[specs]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

 

[specs]

"Oh God

 

[dan86]

"Oh God, I think I'm going to explode any second!" I told my girlfriend.

"On my **ts" she whispered, "do it on my **ts"

"Really? You sure?"

"Yes! Quickly!! For me"

"Oh ok then........it's cominnnnng......."


Anyway, the moral of the story is - if you've got diarrhoea, it's best to be specific

check post #144

 

[specs]

check post #144

just did mate, have a look above, apologies, Thought i had seen it before. Its a good one:wink_smile:

 

[dan86]

"I don't know why you bought that laptop. You never use it," said my wife.

She only says that because she checks my browsing history every day.