A new jokes thread for your amusement.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
 
Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along
the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream.

Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I`ve
always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge."

The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don`t see anyone around, now`s your chance!"

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder.

"Holy crap!" she exclaims, "I just peed in a canoe!"

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream.

"Calm down," she says. "That wasn`t a canoe you peed in, it was only your reflection."
 
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My English teacher always used to tell me I was really thick.

And believe me, when she's straddling you in detention after school, that's quite a compliment for a 15 year old lad.
 
British humour​
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The human body has 7 trillion nerves.
My husband manages to get on every bloody one of them!
---------------------
Knock knock.

Who's there?

"Doorbell repair man"
------------------------------
The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home.

"Susie says, "We need a computer"
Wendy says, "We need a car"
Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Paki boyfriend and my Dad said
'That's all we bloody need!'"
---------------------------------

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper.
Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"
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Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!
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I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"
"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"
That spider never knew what bloody hit it.
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The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of
violent disorder and been deported back to England .
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A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team
after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.
------------------------------

English Stiff Upper Lip

On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"​
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A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold'


'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied................'Get your own ****ing blanket.'



After a moment of silence, .........................he farted.

The End
 
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, 'Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?
The woman did not hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East '.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.'

The woman thought for a minute and said, ' Well, I've never been able to find the right man.
You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
That is what I wish for...a good man.'

The genie let out a sigh, rolled his eyes and said, 'Let me see the f*cking map again.'
 
Have you ever seen Twenty Pounds all crumpled up?"...the woman
asked her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons
of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by
a soft, silky push-up bra..and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Pound note.

He took the crumpled Twenty Pound note from her ...and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Pounds all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

"Uh....no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a
crumpled Fifty Pound note.

He took the crumpled Fifty Pound note... and started breathing a
little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen £25,000 Pounds all crumpled up?"

"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

"Well go look in the garage!"...she said.
 
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the
--- off his secretary."
 
A couple is newly married and they love each other very much. Unfortunately, they get in a terrible car accident and although the man emerges from the wreckage unhurt, his wife is seriously injured and falls into a coma.

Devastated, the man waits by his wife's bedside 24 hours a day cleaning her and changing her diapers. Months pass and the woman's condition does not change. The man fears the worst.

One day after months of waiting, the man gets bored and feels up his wife's breast as it had been ages since he'd had any sexual contact. The wife suddenly arches her back and gives out a moan. Shocked and excited he rushes out the door to find a doctor.

The man explains what happened to the doctor and the doctor responds: "Sir, that's absolutely amazing. Perhaps it is sexual stimulation that will bring your wife out of the coma. Sir, I would like you to continue with this experiment. Please, have oral sex with your wife and see if she responds. I'll wait outside the room until you're done"

So the doctor steps out to give the couple some privacy. They wait for several minutes. Suddenly the man rushes from the room crying and is inconsolable. The doctor grabs the man and asks what happened?

The man looks at the doctor "Doctor my wife is dead. I had oral sex with her as you asked... and now she's gone." The doctor asks "But... how is that possible?" The man replies "She choked..."
 
"Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?", I asked my date.

"Really", she asked. "What's the first?".

"A big knife!", I replied.

"Ha ha you're funny", she said.

"Well done, you've made a sensible choice"
 
A man is in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?" The nurse raises his gown, holds his weapon in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir." The man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?"
 
My wife came home from a girls night out last night a bit worse for wear, I was in the kitchen making a snack when she came in and dropped to her knees.

"I want to get dirty right now and you know what that means, don't you, sexy?"

I looked down at her and said:

"Honey, you're a bit ****ed to be wanting to clean the oven just now, leave it till the morning!"
 
A man comes home from work and says to his wife, "I heard a rumour the other day that the milkman has slept with every woman in this road except one"
Looking very smug the wife replies "I'll bet it's that stuck up cow at number 54."
 
"Is it true you slept with my sister?" sobbed my wife.

"Yes" I replied.

"Was it a one time thing?" she asked.

"Yeah" I said, "every Thursday for the last year, always at 8."
 
A guy walk into a bar cheerful and asks the bartender to get him a beer quickly.

The bartender asks the guy, "Why are you so happy and what's the occasion?"

The guy says, "I'm so excited because I just got my first blow job."

The bartender says, "In that case, let me give you another beer on the house."

The guy says, "No thanks, one beer is enough to get the taste out of my mouth."
 
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.





Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.



Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.





The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paint-balls to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.


Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.


The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.


Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime!


All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.


Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water.


Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches and this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.


She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."
 
A little boy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down horse's legs, bum and chest.

After a few minutes, the boy asked, "Dad, why are you doing that..?"

His father replied, "Because when we are buying horses, we have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before we buy."

Boy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think, the next door neighbour wants to buy Mom!"
 
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune'
 
Father O'Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.
 
An engineer dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives St. Peter looks at the book and scratches his head. He says 'You were involved in some great civil engineering projects so I ought to let you into heaven but you were also involved in weapons programs that resulted in great loss of life' 'I am sorry but you will have to go to hell'.

Well, the engineer arrived in hell and found it very hot - so he installed air conditioning. He also found it dry - so he installed clean running water. He then thought it was a bit dark so he installed decent lighting. The devil was very pleased and rang St. Peter to gloat 'thanks for sending me that engineer, he has made hell a really nice place'.

Oh dear' said St. Peter (that was the nearest he got to swearing) 'if he can tame hell I must have made a mistake. Send him back up here.'

Naturally, the devil refused so St. Peter said 'if you don't I will sue you'.

The devil just laughed saying, "And where will you find a lawyer?
 
A teacher was talking about science to her 3rd grade students.'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she said. A little girl raised her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,' she volunteered.The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty. The Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it he jumped over the fence into our yard.'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back real High and went 'Fffff! Fffff! Fffff!... And before he could say 'F***!' the Rottweiler ate him.
 
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he craps on you."
 
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lady says to her doctor:

"My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"

The doctor replies:
...
"Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!"
 
FEMALE VERSION OF THE LORDS PRAYER: .......................
My Vibrator

Which Brings Me Heaven

Rabbit Be Thy Name

You Make Me ---

You Bring Such Fun

On Earth

Or Is It Heaven?

Give Me This Day My Daily Thrill

And Forgive Me My Screams As I Forgive Those Who Sold Me Dud Batteries!

Lead Me Straight Into Temptation

Deliver Me From Frustration!

For Thine Is The Vibration

The Power And Rotation!

For Ever And Ever

NO MEN
 
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied
 
An elderly British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At the immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to find his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the immigration officer asked sarcastically.

"Yes I have" replied the elderly gentleman.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready".

The British gentleman says "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it".

"Impossible. British always have to show their passports on arrival in France".

The elderly gentleman gives the officer a long hard look then says "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find a single ****ing Frenchman to show it to".
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking,
It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter
Past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
"You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent."
 
Quick jokes:
Q. what do you call one mexican on the moon ?
A. a problem
Q. what do you call all the mexicans on the moon?
A. A problem solved

Long jokes:
A blonde a red head and a brunette all died and are on the stairway to heaven

God tells them that there one hundred steps to heaven and each step they will be told a joke.

And if they make no facial expression on all one hundred steps then they may enter.

the brunette goes first she makes it 3 steps

the red head is better and makes it 50 steps

the blonde is the best at it and is on the ninty ninth step when she bursts out laughing.

god asks her why she could make it one more step and she replies
i just got the first one
 

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A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body-cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ... circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
 
My parents were upset when I brought home my black girlfriend.
They've got really old-fashioned beliefs.
They think I should stay faithful to my wife.
 
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get that?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel
 
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A man was prescribed ------ by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex.

The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the ------ pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor.

"What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill, but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home."

"I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do yoiu have a maid?"

"Yes."

"Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?"

"But I don't need ------ with the maid."
 
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're ****ting in the bed!
 
atossers.jpg


Well....................... says it all really!
 
So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and also...I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on a couple of minutes. I think I can save you $1000."
 

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A new jokes thread for your amusement.
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