A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Midwest]

what's old age?

Its that point in you life, when you start to voice strange aching noises, when you bend down to pick something up, that has no benefit to actually aid picking up the item.

Does your dog bite;

 

[telectrix]

ah, the old "does your dog bite" ploy.

another favorite of mine is the Sellers fart in the lift with the bad guys.

 

[Leesparkykent]

iOS Video - https://sendvid.com/dayfvs6l

Made me chuckle

 

[Midwest]

iOS Video - https://sendvid.com/dayfvs6l

Made me chuckle

She did seem somewhat impressed about his attributes!

 

[Wilko]

Letting the days go by ... Trump doing Talking Heads ... apologies, I know a laugh at Donald's expense is like taking candy from a baby, but who can resist?

 

[Pete999]

Letting the days go by ... Trump doing Talking Heads ... apologies, I know a laugh at Donald's expense is like taking candy from a baby, but who can resist?

He is the biggest joke around today though

 

[telectrix]

first one for the new year then........

you remember the tale of the little Dutch boy who stuck his finger into the hole in the dyke?

well, he's just been arrested for historic sexual abuse.

 

[steve50]

 

[Wilko]

He is the biggest joke around today though

Here's the next one ... penned by a mate from Oz

 

[norcal]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'

'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.



In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven...

"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh...Mr....... President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

 

[pirate]

I got up this morning and found a note stuck on the fridge. It was from the wife ...
"It's not working, I can't take it any more, I'm leaving you..."

I opened the fridge, light came on, beer nice and cool... Don't know what she's talking about?

 

[pirate]

Four old-time guys were playing their weekly
game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up
on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an
argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies
and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do
it! We'll make it a priority - figure out a way and meet
here early, Christmas morning.

Well that Christmas morning arrives,
and there they are on the golf course..

The first guy says, "Boy this
game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring
and she can't take her eyes off it.

The second guy says, "I spent a
ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave
her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.

The third guy says "Well my wife
is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.



They all turned to the last guy in the group
who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.




"I can't believe you all went to
such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well
babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - golf course
or intercourse?




She said, Don't forget your hat!

 

[pirate]

President Trump was leaving the white house for his weekend golfing break. A man with a gun came running down the path shouting "I'll kill you .. I'll kill you".

Trumps personal body guard shouted "Micky Mouse" as loud as he could, this disoriented the gun man long enough for the security guard to pop one off stopping the gunman in his tracks.

Later on in the debriefing the head of white house security congratulated Thrumps personal body guard on a job well done, but had to ask "Why did you shout Micky Mouse??" "Errrr I got a little confused... I meant to shout Donald Duck ...."

 

[Wilko]

For those of a certain age
(it's a cartoon dwg and I hope it arrives as loading is a bit wonky this morning)

 

[elsparko]

what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?











nothing, shes been told twice.