A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[elsparko]

truth

View attachment 41504

 

[elsparko]

feeels

 

[telectrix]

a woman is like a hurricane......when they come, they're wet and windy. when they go, your house has gone with them.

 

[Wilko]

Not that any of this applies to me, no no no, not at all, no. Well maybe.

 

[telectrix]

11. by the time i got to no.6, i'd forgotten the question.

 

[NorCley]

What, lol

 

[Pete999]

Hey it's Sunday today. Pardon. Pension day very soon.

 

[littlespark]

After my tractor joke on another thread I thought i'd jot down a few more. Then I saw this thread.. so here goes;...

Q. How many electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One... and its not a bulb, its a lamp.

Q. How many DIY Daves does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Get a professional in

Q. How many Bollywood dancers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. All of them!

 

[telectrix]

Q. how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

 

[Pete999]

How many Rastafarians doe it take to change a bul? 10 1 to change the bulb an 9 to work the sound system

 

[pirate]

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fish...

 

[telectrix]

mate in Blackpool has just been sacked from the dodgems. he's suing for funfair dismissal.

 

[littlespark]

Extreme weather warning :

Extreme weather has been predicted for all over the country.
Just this morning, a twister was spotted over London:-

 

[gnuuser]

reminds me of a time my brother and i were installing a transformer at a rv park. the had just bolted the base to the concrete pad and i was doing an IR and earth resistance test.
We had people walking into the enclosure fence to see what we were doing.
anyhow my brother walked around a joint of conduit as if he was picking cherries off an invisible tree and eating them.
i yelled at him to save some for me!
they must have thought we were daft and left us alone!
we kept laughing the rest of the day!

 

[Wilko]

The secret ingredient...

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK, how about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" He asks.
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" She replies.
The local police officer happens to be sitting in the next booth and having a chuckle to himself, he thinks I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along with their walking sticks, leaning on each other for support. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern, the old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man was barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."