A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[telectrix]

bloody ell specs. just choked on my beer.

 

[steve50]

A man goes to a golf pro for some advice.



'Well, what should I do?' asked the man.

'Hold the club gently,' the pro replied,
'just like you'd hold your wife's breast.'

Taking the advice, he took a s wing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards
straight up the fairway.

The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.

The next day, the wife went for her lesson.

The pro watched her swing and said, 'No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.'

'What can I do?' asked the wife.

'Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.'

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and,

THUMP!--

the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.

'You know, that was a lot better than I expected,' the pro said.

'Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands.'

 

[specs]

bloody ell specs. just choked on my beer.

Sorry mate, hope you didn't waste to much:yes:

 

[hubsy]

As a man ages, it is natural that his hair starts thinning.

It is a well-known fact that when a man is bald at the front
of his head, it,s because he,s a great thinker.

Also, when a man is bald at the back of his head, it,s
because he,s sexy.

Unfortunately, when a man is bald both front and back, he
only thinks he,s sexy..

 

[specs]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Park Lane pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear
one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it..

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on',
she said, 'We don't have much time..'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the **** out of me.......

 

[specs]

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

 

[dan86]

I have no idea what kind of animal a sham is, but its poo is great at getting my hair clean.

 

[specs]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck!"

 

[specs]

One day Mrs. Smith went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, myhusband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this needle with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Smith is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Smith dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the needle.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Smith," said the minister. Soon, Mr.Smith nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Smith.
"God!" Mr. Smith cried out as he was stuck again with the needle.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Smith again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Smith mistook as signals to prod her husband with the needle again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Smith poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ---!"
"Amen," replied the congregation

 

[specs]

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too. The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "Whats that?"

The husband replies, just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag."

 

[specs]

A young couple were engaged to be married and decided to abstain from having sex until after the blessed event.

On the eve of their wedding the woman decided to come clean about a secret she had been keeping and said to her fiance, "Honey, I think it's only fair to warn you that although I seem to be of acceptable feminine proportion, I am in reality quite flat chested and all that you think you see up here is really just padding. I've always been rather self conscious about it, so I've perpetuated this lie for the sake of self image. I will understand if you start having second thoughts."

"Nonsense" said the man. "Although I'm surprised to learn of this, I would never consider leaving you over something so trivial and could not imagine being with another. But since we're being totally honest with one another, I suppose that now is the time to warn you that I'm hung like a baby."

Impressed by this most intimate of confessions, she chokes back a tear and says "Oh darling, I'm convinced you're the man for me and would never let a thing like that diminish how I feel about you."

So the big day arrives. The ceremony goes off without a hitch, the reception is magnificent and they partied and danced and laughed.

At long last the moment of truth arrives. As they close the door to their beautiful honeymoon suite the woman disrobes to reveal there was no exaggeration to her confession.

"My god" the man says, "you really are flat chested, aren't you?"

"I warned you sweetie, are you disappointed?"

"No, not at all my love" he replies as he removes his trousers to reveal an enormous schlong hanging down to his Knees.

"My GOD!" she exclaims. "I thought you said you were hung like a baby."

"I am," he proclaims "Nine pounds, eight ounces, twenty-two inches long."

 

[dan86]

After the wife had parked the car in town, I got on the phone.

"Who are you calling?" She asked.

"A taxi" I replied "You can ---- right off if you think I'm walking to the kerb from here!"

 

[Engineer54]

A really old one, but can still give a chuckle!! lol!!


Chinese.......

[FONT=Verdana,helvetica,sans-serif][FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif][FONT=Verdana,Arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Arial,helvetica,sans-serif]
[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Arial,helvetica,sans-serif]The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, White baby boy. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Arial,helvetica,sans-serif]
[/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Arial,helvetica,sans-serif]
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name your baby??' [/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Arial,helvetica,sans-serif]
[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,Arial,helvetica,sans-serif]The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him... [/FONT][FONT=Verdana,Arial,helvetica,sans-serif]
[/FONT]


[FONT=arial black,sans-serif]Are you ready for this?..................[/FONT]









[FONT=georgia,serif]Sum Ting[/FONT][FONT=georgia,serif][/FONT][FONT=georgia,serif]Wong[/FONT]


Naughty little Sue Wong.......haha!!
[/FONT]
[/FONT]

 

[Geordie Spark]

A Geordie golfer and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The Geordie said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry. I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf,so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and bedone with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!' The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Pet, and show him.

So true .... so VERY true !!!

 

[specs]

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to
see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and
said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the
girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'