A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the --- and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

 

[specs]

Woman guilty of severing estranged husband's penis - San Jose Mercury News Beware Hell Hath No Fury

 

[Darkwood]

woman guilty of severing estranged husband's penis - san jose mercury news beware Hell hath no fury

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :94:

 

[dan86]

I just explained Google images to my gran.

'Pick anything to search for', I said. She replied 'What about a nice cream pie?'.

'Except that.' I said.

 

[specs]

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.

At a session, last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few, minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to get her."

 

[specs]

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

 

[specs]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate.

She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.

"See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa."

"It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."

 

[specs]

A young Chinese couple get married.

She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten."

"I pomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss anyting you wan, You juss ask. Whatchu wan?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You really wanting... Garric Chicken with Corrifrowa?"

 

[specs]

APLOMB

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my Lord?"

"Go ahead Carson" said his Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" said his Lordship.

"Aplomb" my Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the ----- on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice,'Darling does your ----- still throb?'"

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

Now that is aplomb

 

[Kamikaze]

Research shows that if you are scared of spiders you are more likely to find one in your bed. I am really scared of Scarlett Johansson. :drool5:

 

[specs]

Research shows that if you are scared of spiders you are more likely to find one in your bed. I am really scared of Scarlett Johansson. :drool5:

Me to, in fact I am petrified of all naked good looking babes, My life is hell

 

[Earthstore]

Why would any man be scared or these? EDIT Sorry her?

 

[Ablion]

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

 

[specs]

( I know it's waaayyy too long.. but i laughed...)


Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.
Can you see that?"
......"Yes, I think so."


"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
......"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
......"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"


"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

 

[specs]

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes a note to her husband: "Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis one hundred and fifty times.