A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

Female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping sexy, good looking men, who are great golfers, and have a large pecker....
You, personally, are not in any danger. I just wanted to say goodbye.:yes:

 

[specs]

This is a genuine complaint to Greenock Police Force from an angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

--------------
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Greenock police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Greenock , by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Mathie Crescent, which is just off Mathie Road in Gourock.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant
???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Greenock Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Mathie Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Greenock, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ****s that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere?

The pitch on Larkfield Road or the one at Battery Park are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Greenock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in Monty's Pub.

Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

 

[specs]

THE REAL PROBLEM WITH OUR GOVERNMENTAL SYSTEM - - - -
The folks who are getting free stuff,
Don't like the folks who are paying for the free stuff,
Because the folks who are paying for the free stuff,
Can no longer afford to pay for both the free stuff and their own stuff.

And,
The folks who are paying for the free stuff,
Want the free stuff to stop.
And the folks who are getting the free stuff,
Want even MORE free stuff on top of the free stuff they're getting already!

Now..... The people who are forcing people to PAY for the free stuff,
Have told the people who are RECEIVING the free stuff,
That the people who are PAYING for the free stuff,
Are being mean, prejudiced and racist.

So .... the people who are GETTING the free stuff,
Have been convinced they need to HATE the people who are PAYING for the
free stuff because they are selfish.
AND they are promised more free stuff if they will VOTE for the people who force the people who pay for the free stuff to to give them even more free stuff.

and that's the truth of it.





And - - - - - that's the Straight Stuff!

 

[specs]

After the wife had parked the car in town, I got on the phone.

"Who are you calling?" She asked.

"A taxi" I replied "You can ---- right off if you think I'm walking to the kerb from here!"

Don't think I could afford the cab fare with my missis:43:

 

[specs]

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)​
Jeremy Paxman:	What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:	Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:	No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) ​
Jamie Theakston:	Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:	Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:	There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:	Leicester

BBC NORFOLK ​
Stewart White:	Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:	I don't know.
Stewart White:	I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:	Arm
Stewart White:	Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:	Strong.
Stewart White:	Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:	Louis
Stewart White:	Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:	Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )​
Alex Trelinski:	What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:	France
Trelinski:	France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:	Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:	Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:	Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:	Just guess a country then.
Contestant:	Paris

 

[specs]

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:	Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:	The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )​
DJ Mark:	For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:	I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE​
Bamber Gascoyne:	What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:	Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )​
Presenter:	What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant:	I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO - MANCHESTER )​
Phil:	What's 11 squared?
Contestant:	I don't know.
Phil:	I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:	Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY​
Richard:	Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:	Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY​
Richard:	On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:	Er. .. ...
Richard:	He makes bread . . ..
Contestant:	Er . .....
Richard:	He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant:	Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN​
Presenter:	Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:	Barcelona
Presenter:	I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:	I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)​
Question:	What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:	The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )​
Presenter:	Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:	Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

 

[specs]

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)​
Steve Le Fevre:	What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:	Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)​
James O'Brien:	How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:	Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL ) ​
Chris Searle:	In which European country isMount Etna?
Caller:	Japan
Chris Searle:	I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:	Er ..... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )​
Paul Wappat:	How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast?
Contestant (long pause):	Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)​
Daryl Denham:	In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:	Holland ?
Daryl Denham:	Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:	Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)	It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:	No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)​
Phil Wood:	What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:	Er. ... ...
Phil Wood:	It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . .
Contestant:	Blimey?
Phil Wood:	Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ....
Contestant:	(Silence)
Phil Wood:	OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant:	Walked?

THE VAULT​
Melanie Sykes:	What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:	Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)​
Presenter:	What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:	Jewish.
Presenter:	That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)​
Wright:	Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:	Jesus.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)​
Presenter:	What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:	Jewish.
Presenter:	That's close enough

 

[specs]

Apology for last 3 posts, I tried to get them into 1 post , but admin said to many letters Ps my fav was Ghandi's first name.......... Goosey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, I still laugh at this, sorry

 

[specs]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I
stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I
would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the
ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,

'Cause your feet ain't empty.

 

[specs]

MEXICAN HURRICANE
A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans die and over
a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government
doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans
to replace the dead ones. God Bless America!

 

[steve50]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far off and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.


However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'



The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'



The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'



'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.. '

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, take down my knickers and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

 

[specs]

What have we learned in 2,066 years?.............


"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced,
the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to
foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work,
instead of living on public assistance."
Cicero - 55 BC


Evidently nothing...

 

[specs]

Many aspects of human sexuality are puzzling.

Take celibacy, for example.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental
factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Fred and Tricia listened to
the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite
flower?'

Fred leaned over, touched Tricia's arm gently and whispered, 'Home Pride
Self-Raising, isn't it luv?'

Thus began Fred's life of celibacy.

 

[specs]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls​

​

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?​

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:​

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'​

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'​

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.​

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.​

Both result in death.​

 

[specs]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley-Maguire rose from His bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley-Maguire at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a moment. Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''