A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A man was prescribed ------ by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex.

The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the ------ pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor.

"What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill, but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home."

"I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do yoiu have a maid?"

"Yes."

"Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?"

"But I don't need ------ with the maid."

 

[specs]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're ****ting in the bed!

 

[tidyboiler]

Well....................... says it all really!

 

[telectrix]

View attachment 19681


Well....................... says it all really!

that looks like a typical day in a geordie office.

 

[specs]

So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and also...I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on a couple of minutes. I think I can save you $1000."

 

[specs]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar

She says to him, "this is your lucky night. I've got a special going, for $300 i'll do absolutely anything you can think of but the catch is you have to be able to say it in 3 words or less."

The guy replies, "thats a great deal" then slowly lays out 3 $100 dollar bills and says


"Paint... My... House."

 

[tidyboiler]

A precious little girl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner, "Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms,
Leans forward and says;

"It dothn't weally matter, I don't think my python givth a thit."

 

[Darkwood]

An urgent warning has been given to all ginger women to avoid getting the Brazilian done as it looks like a fish finger!

 

[specs]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you,But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The ******* used coins!"

 

[specs]

Fred knocks on his pal Harrys door. Harry comes out bad tempered, muttering "That woman, that bloody woman, im gonna kill her, i'm gonna get a gun and kill her. Fred says don't do that you'll get life imprisonment, i 'll tell you what to do. Shag her to death, morning noon and night. It only takes two weeks and the police can never prove a thing. Harry says that's what i'll do.

A week later, Fred thinks i'd better go up and see how he's getting on. Harry comes to the door all bent and haggard a shawl over his shoulders, his wife's in the kitchen singing and whistleing like a canary. Fred says, " is everything ok, all going to plan?"
Harry says "yeah I think so, Huh, listen to her, happy as Larry, only got a week to live and dosen't even know it."

 

[specs]

I was walking across a field when I came upon a well so I dropped a small pebble down it and listened for the splash....as you do.
Nothing. so i dropped a large stone down and listened......nothing. Next a very large rock..not a splash. Finally I saw a large railway sleeper laying so I dragged that across and sent it down and heard "Turrrumph turrrumph turrrumph getting louder. I looked round and saw a billy goat thundering straight for me, head and horns down, legs going like pistons. Just in time I swerved aside and the goat went shooting down the well. Phew I thought. Just then the farmer came along and said " Ere, arrv yew seen a goat arounds ere? " "No" says I
"That's strange says the farmer, he cant have gone far, I left him tied to a railway sleeper

 

[specs]

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Baltimore, they have weekly husbands' Marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Tony, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary,
to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.

Tony replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I'v tried to treat her nice, spend money on her,
but best of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, Tony, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us, are you planning something special for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Tony proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

 

[specs]

A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I knee pains.

"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor.

"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."

"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?"

"Not if you want to watch TV there ain't

 

[specs]

A lady is running out of luck at the roulette table in a casino. She is left with only $500 and is absolutely desperate. She cries out, "This is the heights of bad luck! What in heaven's name should I do now?"

A gentleman standing next to her, tries to console her and says, "Why don't you just play your age?"

He goes away but in a short while, he hears some commotion and walks back to the roulette table. He is surprised to see the lady lying unconscious on the floor, while a crowd had gathered around her.

He asks the operator, "What happened to her? Is she ok?"

The operator replies, "I have no idea sir, she put all her money on 28. When 37 showed up, she just fainted!"

 

[tidyboiler]

I love the Italian one Specs....... it wouldn't be too much of a hardship being left in Italy with all those swarthy bad-boy italians......:rofl: