A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A professor gives his psychology class a pop quiz.

One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy may expand up to ten times under certain circumstances?"

He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!"

The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: "Professor, I'd rather not answer that question."

The professor says, "That's all right, Miss Callahan, you don't need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?" He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. "Mr. Hawkins!"

Hawkins says, "Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that may expand to ten times." The professor says, "That is correct, Mr. Hawkins."

Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, "Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven't studied this week's assignment; and Two, I'm afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you."

 

[specs]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face.

 

[specs]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, Walked into a bar in Dublin ..

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a woman drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,

"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another Drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"


The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

 

[Geordie Spark]

CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE YOU DIE ....... JUST PRICELESS

Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle Recently:
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless. And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this last September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around - £60.00.

A family member rang MBNA:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that my grandmother died in September.'

MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections section.'

MBNA: 'Since it is two months over due, it already has been.'

Family Member: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA: 'Either report her account to the Frauds Department or report her to The Credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be upset with her?'

MBNA: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?'

MBNA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm phoning to tell you, she died in September.'
MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA: (Stammer) 'Are you her solicitor?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her grandson'

MBNA: 'Could you fax us a death certificate?'

Family Member: 'no problem.'

( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you sort it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA: 'That would help.'

Family Member: ' Plot 1049.' Heaton Cemetery, Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne

MBNA: 'But, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the Hell do you do with dead people on your planet?'

The MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang them

A very similar thing happened when my Father died and I was getting hassle from some debt collecting shyster. I gave the address of the cemetery too. Never heard any more about it .............

 

[specs]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back.

"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's Bicycle chain, or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out.

 

[specs]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to" his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

 

[specs]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher,, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...",

As he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

The officer was clearly terrified.

The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

 

[specs]

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to

the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the

different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl,

"What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl. "Very good!" said the farmer.

Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a

duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we

have on Thanksgiving Day."



"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know

the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk

them."

 

[specs]

The Real Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law- If you change lines (supermarket or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with whom you don't want to be seen.

9.Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10.Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11..Law of the Theater & Sporting Events - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it.

19.Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, and by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick

 

[specs]

The Real Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law- If you change lines (supermarket or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with whom you don't want to be seen.

9.Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10.Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11..Law of the Theater & Sporting Events - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it.

19.Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, and by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick

Please feel free to add your own under the appropriate heading of 'sods law' Thank you.

 

[specs]

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the
following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car
that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over
again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
As espoused by the Funky Buddha

 

[Richard Burns]

20. The Law of Dog - the tendency to jump up at you affectionately is proportional to the volume of mud / water in the dogs coat.

 

[specs]

Q: Why is sex like math?
A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

 

[specs]

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

 

[specs]

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering