A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, then one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life ! ! ! ! !

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions....



This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you $hit on its head.

 

[specs]

O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

"I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunassy's hat.

"Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat. What changed your mind?"

"Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."

 

[specs]

A man is at the bar, blind drunk. Some of the customers decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. They pick him up off the floor and drag him out of the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car, and he falls down four more times. They ring the doorbell and a woman answers. “Here’s your husband!” “Thanks,” says the man’s wife. “What did you do with his wheelchair?”

 

[specs]

There is a man standing in the middle of a river, fly fishing.

There is a fish in the river that says "When that fly comes down I'm going to jump up and get it."

There is a bear on the side of the river that says "When that fish jumps up to get the fly I'm going to jump into the river and eat the fish."

There is a hunter in the woods next to the river that says "When that bear goes to get the fish I'm going to shot him and bring home a trophy."

There are two mice standing behind the hunter that say "When that hunter goes to shoot the bear the sandwich is going to fall out of his back pocket, and we're going to eat it."

There is a cat standing behind the two mice that says "when those mice go to get the sandwich I'm going to pounce on them and eat them."

Well... the fly came down
the fish got the fly
the bear got the fish
the hunter shot the bear
the mice got the sandwich
and the cat jumped to get the mice, and landed in the middle of the river.

What's the moral of this story?

- "When a fly goes down a ----- gets wet."

 

[specs]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth millions, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

 

[dan86]

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken stopped him and said ...

Don't do it mate, you will never hear the end of it!

 

[specs]

A duck walks into a job center and says to the man behind the desk 'Excuse me; I'm looking for a job. Can you help?'
The man can't believe it and replies 'hold on minute sir, I'll make some enquiries for you'....the man then phones up a showbiz agency and explains that there's this amazing talking duck wanting a job and could the agent find him work in a show somewhere. Obviously the agent is excited and has no problem in finding a show for the duck.

The man goes back to the duck and says 'Good news sir, I've found you job in show business'

With this the duck replies 'That’s no good, I'm a plumber

- - - Updated - - -

Q: Why did the duck cross the road?
A: Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida

 

[telectrix]

why did the hedgehgog cross the road?



to visit his flat mate.

 

[Andy78]

Why did the short legged chicken cross the road, roll about in the mud, then cross back over the road again ?




He was a low down dirty double crosser.

 

[telectrix]

groan.

 

[Andy78]

I've got worse.
I thought, from previous reading of this thread, that the point was to tell the most awful joke possible ?



What's 2 feet long and slippery ?





A pair of slippers.

 

[zap]

!"£$%^

 

[tidyboiler]

What's pink and hangs out yer pyjamas?









yer mother!!!!!!

 

[dan86]

My girlfriend told me that she'd never forget the time I called her fat.

She's like an elephant.

 

[Richard Burns]

If you had to choose between having Bill Gates amount of money and world peace,
what colour would your Ferrari be?