A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

 

[specs]

A young couple is on their honeymoon. The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?" Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?" The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've got a confession to make." She says, "So have I, love." To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

 

[specs]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.” The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.” The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.” The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?” “I have,” says the man. “And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor. “She has,” says the man. “And what is it?” asks the doctor. “We're getting a new kitchen.”

 

[trev]

Loving your work Rob

 

[specs]

A man and a woman have just had their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband turns to his wife and asks, "What do you want to do to celebrate our anniversary dear?" She replies, "Let's run upstairs and make love." He turns to her and says, "Well make up your mind, we can't do both!"

 

[specs]

Loving your work Rob

cheers Trev.

 

[telectrix]

spsces, with your sense of humour, you're wasted on this forum, you should be on the stage............











the next one leaves the depot in half an hour.

 

[dan86]

Still no news of the royal baby.

It looks like it's being delivered by Royal Mail.

 

[dan86]

I just got the sack from my new office job.

I'm going to take them up for unfair dismissal.

The sign read - Toilet Out Of Order, Use Floor Below.

 

[dan86]

I said to my wife, "If you lick my balls, I'll come."

She said, "Bugger off, you're going shopping with me whether you like it or not."

 

[specs]

All men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.


The great problem is, after a few years (or less),

the nympho leaves....

but the dam maniac stays on

 

[dan86]

I ordered my Kate Middleton advent calender before the birth, so i get one without knackered flaps.

 

[dan86]

I feel sorry for the new Royal baby.

He'll never think he's going to be a fireman when he's older.

 

[dan86]

I wonder how long a maternity leave Kate Middleton will take before she goes back to doing nothing.

bound to upset Adam...

 

[dan86]

I went to a sports day in Japan today.

It was quite enjoyable but I must say the egg and chopstick race was a challenge.