A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Silly Sausage]

Got booted off the computer there for a while.
I think you're 3 years younger than me, you wee whipper snapper.

 

[specs]

After a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her
bedside, and said:

"I have something I must tell you about your baby."

"What's wrong?", the alarmed mother asked.

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?..."

"It means your baby has both male and female parts."

"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!", the woman exclaimed...

"You mean it has a penis and a brain?"

 

[specs]

Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex."

Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex."

Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

[Kate]

2 nuns in a bath, one says "Where's the soap"
The other one replies "Yeah you're right"


First heard that when I was about 12, a girlfriend had to explain it to me when I was about 18.

I don't get it

 

[trev]

Where's gets substituted for wears (as in erodes)

 

[Marvo]

Glad I wasn't the only one but now I get it. Where's....wears yeah, it's still not very funny but I get it

 

[telectrix]

i get it as well. nuns scrubbing their facial hair with the soap. that will wear it.

 

[Silly Sausage]

What do you call someone with no body and a nose?
Nobody knows.

 

[Geordie Spark]

2 nuns in a bath, one says "Where's the soap"
The other one replies "Yeah you're right"


First heard that when I was about 12, a girlfriend had to explain it to me when I was about 18.

Aye well, you being a good clean-living, innocent Chapel-going Geordie lad ........................ :38:

 

[trev]

Well, not chapel going mate. I saw through the whole religion thing when I was about ten

 

[tidyboiler]

[h=5][/h]


Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village taver...n where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[specs]

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bull****."

 

[specs]

Henry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous woman sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance.

She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, Henry said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Christian Dior's Pure Poison.

Then wanting to return the compliment, she said,
"You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

Honest Harry replied: "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

 

[specs]

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic
Gold Medal . Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole
and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.. He's
never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do
not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in
acknowledgement.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times,
looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing
Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment
arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all
was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised
his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit
the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning
the match.. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of
that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da
last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my
face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my
neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

 

[specs]

The English teacher was teaching the fourth grade and said in the class:
"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go."

She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Little Johnny raised his hand and said,

"Mary had a little pig
An scrawny little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
And smelled her little . . ."

He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"

"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, " . . . A$$hole."