A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[dan86]

Little Johnny awoke one night to hear strange noises coming from his parents bedroom. When he opened the door his dad was on his mom naked . He said"Dad what are you and mom doing? His dad told him "I'm parking my car in yours mom's garage. Go back to bed."

Well the next day, the girl next door came over to play with johnny. He said " I have a new game for us to play." what's it called the girl replied . It's called parking the car . Wanna try it he said. Sure said the little girl.

Well Johnny tells her how to play and they get off to a good start. A few minutes later all you can here is little Johnny screaming . His mom rushes into the room and says" what the hell is going on here? . The girl tries her best to explain. She said "You see we were playing park the car and johnny got his car all most all the way in. The back tires wouldnt fit so I cut them off!

 

[zap]

The Batmobile sold at auction for £2.9M. When its new owner paid for it they took his address and asked what time he would like it delivered. He said, "just before dinner dinner dinner dinner ..."

 

[telectrix]

The Batmobile sold at auction for £2.9M. When its new owner paid for it they took his address and asked what time he would like it delivered. He said, "just before dinner dinner dinner dinner ..."

i sincerely hope you remember where you left your coat.

 

[zap]

i sincerely hope you remember where you left your coat.

Okay, a little tame, how's this old one then...
School teacher asks the kiddies what's the meaning of the word, 'contagious'.
Little Jane said, "My grandmother is in hospital and has a room to herself to help prevent the spead of her disease to others. So contagious means, something that spreads easily". The teacher praised her for her explanation and asked if there were any other examples.
Little Johnny said, "Me and me dad were watching the next door neighbour paint his fence using a toothbrush and me dad said, 'It'll take the contagious'".

 

[dan86]

Subway is being sued over the length of their subs not being actually what they claim to be.

No doubt by a woman.

 

[dan86]

So, Dancing On Ice is back on tv.

What's all the fuss about?

I've been dancing on effin ice every day this week trying to get to work.

Do I get a Sunday night show? Do I ****.

 

[dan86]

I was driving home last night and as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw a big van which said 'Ambulance' on the front with sirens blaring trying to pass me.

Yeah nice try I thought, I'm not moving, it's clearly a fake. The word 'Ambulance' is always written backwards on real ones.

 

[dan86]

Some bloke just hit me over the head with a power tool.

I was minding my own business then 'Bosch'.

 

[dan86]

"Would you like anything on your chips?"

"Does it cost extra?"

"Ten pence."

"All right, I'll have four sausages and a steak pie."

 

[MDJ]

More trouble at the supermarkets, as human DNA has been found in Welsh lamb

 

[telectrix]

think i'll stick to my sherger burgers then.

 

[Brightspark2]

A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my penis.


















F#?kin Weirdo never showed up.

 

[MDJ]

Anyone fancy comming out for a burger and a beer tonight? we are meeting at Burger king in Gloucester at 8!!!

 

[steve50]

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes


Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 six packs


Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00


Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years


Lady: So one 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct


Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct


Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drunk, that money could have been put
in a interest bearing savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No


Man: Where's your f***ing Ferrari then?

 

[dan86]

safe as houses!