A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[dan86]

Horse meat found in Tesco burgers, pork found in prison halal meat

What next, beef found in McDonalds burgers?

 

[dan86]

Got dropped off in a taxi last night, and the driver said to me,

" That will be £5.50 please mate" .

I said,

"aww sh!t, Ive only got a fiver. Can you reverse a bit?"

 

[dan86]

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!"

 

[steve50]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.

yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...

 

[steve50]

Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . .

​

​

. . It's women who make it hard !!​

 

[DNS1]

I saw a sign on the motorway today; it said “Tiredness Kills!”...
If I had known that earlier, I would not have stayed up all last weekend watching DVDs… I could have died!

A bit like the "Don't drink and drive" signs on the motorway... it's a bit bloody late to remind me of that if I'm already ****ed and on the M1!

 

[MDJ]

a scouser take's his wife to casualty.
she has no front teeth broken finger's and a black eye.
doctor says "what's happened here"
scouser say's "she's just started going through the change"
doctor say's that don't normally happen when you go through the change"
scouser say's "it does when the change was in my fu...king pocket

 

[Silly Sausage]

My wife and I were woken up in the night by a sound from downstairs. I got the baseball bat from under the bed and we cautiously descended the stairs, bat gripped tight in my hand, to find a very hot girl in our living room.
My wife took a blow to the head and doesn't remember anything after this point.

 

[dan86]

guessing you also took a 'blow to the head' ;p

 

[hubsy]

[h=2]The 2012 Stupidity Awards[/h]

Here is the glorious winner:



1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.

He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.


6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Remember... They walk among us, they vote, they reproduce.​

 

[Dipzy]

It was my first time ever

And I'll
Never forget

I'd do it
Again

Without a
Single regret.

The sky was
Dark

The moon
Was high

We were all
Alone

Just she
And I.

Her hair
Was soft

Her eyes
Were blue

I knew just
What

She wanted
To do.

Her skin so
Soft

Her legs so
Fine

I ran my
Fingers

Down her
Spine.

I didn't
Know how

But I tried
My best

I started
By placing

My hands on
Her breast.

I remember
My fear

My fast
Beating heart

But slowly
She spread

Her legs
Apart.

And when I
Did it
I felt no shame

All at
Once

The white
Stuff came.

At last
it's finished

It's all
Over now

My first
Time ever

At milking
A cow...

 

[Dipzy]

Marriage Humor .

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

---------------------------------------------------


Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet... Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

---

​

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

 

[Dipzy]

[FONT=&quot]CHINESE SICK LEAVE :

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'[/FONT]





[FONT=&quot]Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]hurt, I no come work.'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]wife and tell her to give me S[/FONT][FONT=&quot]*[/FONT][FONT=&quot]x. That makes everything[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]better and I go to work. You try that.'
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]nice house'[/FONT]

 

[Dipzy]

A HR Manager, his Assistant, an old woman and her young daughter are traveling in a train and during the course of time get themselves introduced to each other and become temporary friends.

The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel.

The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed.

The Manager is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

The Old woman is thinking:

“These Managers are all crazy after girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.”

The Young girl is thinking:

“The Manager must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.”

The Manager is thinking:

“Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.”

Now guess what the Assistant is thinking.

Now hold your breath and read what the Assistant is thinking………..

“If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap my Manager again. The Rascal keeps harassing me in the Office....

 

[MDJ]

This African bloke walked into my pub holding a bucket. He said, 'Can you fill this up with water?' I said 'Blimey, how many miles have you walked for this?' He said, 'None, you cheeky ****, I'm the new window cleaner'