A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.

"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"

"In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

"GOD," The man asked, "How much is a million dollars?"

"To Me, it's a dime."

"GOD," The man then asked, "Can I have a dime?"

"Sure. In a minute."

 

[bertt]

some... compulsory tests when was originally designed the world ..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t7jMuNVvyE
bertt.

 

[Spoon]

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.
She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
"Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts.

 

[dan86]

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.
She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
"Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts.

I was gonna write that one!

 

[Spoon]

I was gonna write that one!

Got it as a text last night.

 

[specs]

A rancher dies and leaves everything to his wife

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly..

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

[Silly Sausage]

https://twitter.com/50ShedsofGrey

 

[moospark]

Dear Specs, Do you appreciate how much of a row is going to kick off between the gay and cross dressing communities on this forum?

 

[ian.settle1]

Dear Specs, Do you appreciate how much of a row is going to kick off between the gay and cross dressing communities on this forum?

And which of the fence are you?

 

[moospark]

And which of the fence are you?

Whey, I'll help anyone on a bank holiday!

 

[moospark]

Always the fairer sex for me, but I did work T.V./shows in Amsterdam/London for a while, met some lovley people,,,,,who were strange.

 

[Spoon]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face

as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward,

then backwards again...... Back and forth...
Back and forth..... In and out.......

She could feel the sweat on her forehead,

between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,



"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug b**tard!!!"

 

[tidyboiler]

Sounds about right!

 

[Silly Sausage]

I wanted to attend a couple's support group for people who can't satisfy their partners but I couldn't get my wife to come.

 

[trev]

There's a meeting of the premature ejaculation society next Tuesday, all are welcome. There's no dress code, just come in your pants.