A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[hubsy]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...


Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied
survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark
and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip
of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why
didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim
around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you
scare the **** out of them first!"

 

[Silly Sausage]

One of my favourite pics...

 

[specs]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's, I fish

 

[specs]

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner.

"You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!"

The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, "Did you do what I told you to do?"

"Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!" she shouts.

The owner, looking confused, replies, "It's a perfectly trained frog. I can't understand what's wrong."

He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

Turning to the frog, he says, "Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I'm showing you!"

 

[Spoon]

I HATE being bipolar... It's AWESOME!

I have CDO. It's like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be.

 

[dan86]

At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,

"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,

"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,

"You can **** off."

 

[dan86]

Today marks the 50th anniversary of the great train robbery.

To celebrate I went into London Kings Cross and paid £4.50 for a cup of tea.

 

[dan86]

The two British girls arrested in Peru for smuggling cocaine are claiming they were told it was marmalade.

Police are looking for a short brown bear with a blue coat for questioning.

 

[hubsy]

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

 

[specs]

You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable.
Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a long hard look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

 

[Kate]

Wrong post

 

[specs]

Two women were playing golf one Saturday.

The first teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed straight for a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She said "Please allow me to help I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes" he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.

She began to massage him.

She then asked him "How does that feel?"

To which he replied "It feels great but my thumb still hurts like hell

 

[specs]

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his manhood was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, might be a good time to wash it."

 

[dan86]

"You're the cutest, most gorgeous woman I've ever seen..."

"You just want to have sex with me."

"...and you're pretty clever too."

 

[dan86]

I've just seen a ---- version of the Simpsons, in which Marge pleasures herself with a bottle of beer.

It's the first time I've ever seen the duff up a woman.