A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Paul.M]

A man from China was married to a woman called Lorraine. But they was not happy in their marriage and he started to see another woman from his own country called Clear-Lee and fell madly love with her.

On a sad Monday morning, Lorraine was hit by a bus on the way to work and she was dead.

After the funeral the Chinese man went to his favorite karaoke bar and sang a wonderful tribute to his wife.




"I can see Clear-Lee now Lorraine is gone."

 

[dan86]

On a blind date recently, this blonde bimbo was talking about her job:

"I'm in anger management" she said.

"Wow, you're a therapist?" I replied, "that's very impressive."

"Therapist?" She laughed, "nah, I'm in charge of coat angers at the Essex branch of Primark."

 

[telectrix]

The Sex Life Of An Electron

 

[specs]

Abe thinks his wife is trying to poison him.

Abe goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

Abe anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison,"

 

[specs]

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Call her.

 

[specs]

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wifes side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy. Her note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. His note read:

The Tent Poles Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What Youre Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs. Her note read:

Im Sure That Your Poles
The Best In The Land.
But Im Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand

 

[tazz]

And the forcast for tonight in the south....

 

[specs]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man ?'..

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,

wait for it!!!
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' .................... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.

I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but....'


(. . . Wait for it ....)







'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

 

[tidyboiler]

Seen in Sunderland today. :uhoh2:

 

[specs]

An 18-yr-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and have spent all my time in terrorist training school I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 ------?"

Allah regarded him for a moment and then replied, "Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because --- holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. You're here to service them. Since they're virgins they're quite sexually hungry and frankly, you'll be on a constant and very exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

Allah replied quizingly, "Who told you they were women?"

 

[specs]

After a few beers down at the local, talk got to who had the most expensive watch.
I showed mine first. "That's a Rolex Oyster, worth £3500."

My mate, John, smiled and pointed proudly to his wrist.
"This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of £20,000 for it."

Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch. "What do you think of that then?
It cost me £200,000."

John and I stared for a while then I said "Dave, that's a Casio."

"I know, " he sighed. My ex wife bought it for me, then found it in her sisters bed."

 

[specs]

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all

 

[moospark]

View attachment 21197

Seen in Sunderland today. :uhoh2:

Change me undies when I've got Skids.

 

[specs]

After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice

The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.

The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.

The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".

"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."

 

[steve50]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in
Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her
car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car
again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was
very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this
time."