A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Spoon]

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded 'Your name came up 7 times

 

[specs]

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.

 

[specs]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said , 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now

 

[dan86]

My mate said, "The sexy blonde next door has asked me to replace her bathroom window. Any idea what type of glass I should use?"

"Not the foggiest," I replied. "You'll be able to spy on her then."

 

[specs]

A drunken pirate walks into a busy downtown bar with a Steering Wheel strapped to his pelvis, sits at the bar and growls at the bartender
"arrrrr gimmie treee shots of scotch"

The bartender looks down, sees the steering wheel, says nothing and gives the pirate the three shots.

Ten minutes pass and the pirate growls at the bartender again " arrrrrrrrr gimmie treeee shots of scotch"

The bartender now curious, says nothing and gives the pirate his three shots.

Thirty minutes pass and the pirate growls out to the bartender
"AARRRRRRRRR Gimmie TREEEE more shots of scotch"

The bartender, concerned and curious walks over with the three shots and says to the pirate....." listen I'm gonna give you these three shots but first you've gotta tell me........Why in the hell do you have that steering wheel strapped to your pelvis"

The pirate pauses.........looks up at the bartender and growls out......"AAARRRRRR I don't knowwww but it's drivin' me nuts".

 

[specs]

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road
strayed a rooster.
Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A
farmer appeared.
The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster,
please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

 

[specs]

A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.



The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."

"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: "No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers."

"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design."

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate."

"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting
notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

 

[specs]

A couple was driving home and they ran over a badger,
they got out and found it was still breathing,
the wife said .. Lets get it in the car and find a vet,
husband says .. Ok lets go, wife says god the poor badgers freezing,
husband says .. Put it between your legs to warm it up,
the wife says .. But its wet and it stinks,
husband says .. Well hold the badgers nose then....

 

[specs]

Abe returns from a 4 week business trip to New York and finds out that his wife Sadie has been unfaithful during his time away.

"Who was it?" he yells at Becky. "Was it that ba**ard Sam?"

"No," replies Becky, "no, it wasn't Sam."

"So was it Izzy, the degenerate?"

"No, it certainly wasnt him."

"Then it must have been that simpleton Moses."

"No, it wasn't Moses either," replies Becky.

Abe, very angry now, blood pressure sky high, yells. "What's the matter? None of my friends good enough for you?"

 

[specs]

'I'm thinking of whitewashing the shed,' said Pat to the barman Mick McGee.
'What colour were you thinking of whitewashing it?' asked McGee.
'Well, I was thinking of whitewashing it green,' mused Pat. 'But I'm not sure if I can spare the time.'
'Why don't you let my lad do it for you,' suggested Mick. 'He'll whitewash it any colour you like. He won't charge you a penny and it'll be a few quid for the boy as well!

 

[specs]

Casey had followed Murphy back to his flat. Drunkenly they'd stumbled the half mile from the Jolly Toper pub to celebrate Murphy's birthday.
'I've got it all organised,' said he, 'we'll have a party just you and I.'
Entering the Murphy domicile Casey spotted the living room table covered in crates of beer and bottles of whiskey, brandy and rum. On a plate on the side were two slices of bread.
'Is it a party we're having?' he asked.
'It is so!' answered Murphy.
'Well,' said Casey, 'what's all the bread for?

 

[specs]

Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother.

"Well,how was the honeymoon,darling?"

"Oh mum," Sarah replied, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..."
Then Sarah started to cry. "Oh mum, as soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mum, get into your car now and come and take me home."

"Calm down, darling,tell your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used."

"Please mum, I'm too embarrassed to tell you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away." said Sarah.

"But darling, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were."

Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mum, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..."

 

[specs]

Little Henry is on the beach with his parents in Eastbourne when he says, "Mummy, can I go swimming in the sea?"

"No, sweetie," she replies, "the water is too deep and too rough."

"But daddyjust went in," says Henry.

"I know, darling, but daddys insured."

 

[specs]

Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"

"It is."

"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?"

"I'll try."

"Do you know Sam Cohen?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate £10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"

"He will!"

 

[specs]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career".