A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A man goes to a golf pro for some advice.



'Well, what should I do?' asked the man.

'Hold the club gently,' the pro replied,
'just like you'd hold your wife's breast.'

Taking the advice, he took a s wing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards
straight up the fairway.

The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.

The next day, the wife went for her lesson.

The pro watched her swing and said, 'No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.'

'What can I do?' asked the wife.

'Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.'

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and,

THUMP!--

the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.

'You know, that was a lot better than I expected,' the pro said.

'Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands.'

Just running thru old posts and noticed this one which you posted some time ago, apologies for duplication .:redface: Ps I added a thanks to your post 291 my post 1203.

 

[specs]

http://www.flutterby.com/images/2012/10/01/hf_tool_sale.pdf

 

[specs]

Barry wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So Barry first of all goes to a catholic priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
Barry thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a protestant minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. Barry queries the minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath."
Not pleased with the replies, Barry then seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
Barry replies, "Thank goodness but rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it

 

[Carlosfandango]

A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.



The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."

"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: "No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers."

"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design."

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate."

"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting
notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

I don't get it??

 

[telectrix]

the captain's jewish.

 

[ian.settle1]

I don't get it??

As telectrix said

The captain was jewish so he sent 4 black officers to a deep south white property

 

[Carlosfandango]

Ahhh, that'll teach me to read the joke thoroughly!!

 

[specs]

I got talking to a chap in the pub last night, he said 'my mate fell off his motorbike today, he's got a broken arm, 3 cracked ribs, three broken fingers and he's lost an eye'.
I said, 'Bloody hell, I'm not surprised he fell off!

 

[specs]

http://www.gaskrank.tv/tv/motorrad-fun/stunt-riding-11100.htm

 

[tidyboiler]

My kids are just packing their schoolbags.................

 

[telectrix]

View attachment 21279

My kids are just packing their schoolbags.................

they'll need this for their scrap runs and fly tipping after school.

 

[specs]

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

 

[specs]

View attachment 21279

My kids are just packing their schoolbags.................

They look like chain wrenches, wouldn't be so bad but they are made in Portugal with ---- steel. for gods sake can this country not even produce a good old offensive weapon. Or did you mean they were shoplifting !!!

 

[tidyboiler]

Just hate it when that happens.

 

[Spoon]

View attachment 21284

Just hate it when that happens.

haha so you have a strap-on. Geordie must love that.....