A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Earthstore]

Lad gets a job in the local shop in a small town, as they sell almost everything in this shop the owner tells him that we always have to do a related sale to survive, look he say's I will show you with the next customer.

Customer; Good morning could I have a bag of grass seed?
Shop owner: Certainly sir, of course you will be needing a lawn mower for when it grows.
Customer; Oh yes, never thought of that, I will buy one of those too.

So the shop owner say's to the lad "see, the related sale", he came in for a small item and I sold him a lawnmower too, you try with the next customer.
The lad said I think I understand, I will give it a go.

Next customer; Could I have a box of Tampax for the wife please?
Lad; Certainly Sir, of course you will be needing a lawnmower.
Customer; Why will I need a lawnmower?
Lad; Well you won't be doing anything else this weekend will you!!!!

 

[specs]

A blonde lady goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven-ten cap.
All the clerks look at each other, and one says, "What's a seven-ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost and some how and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?" the clerk asked.
"It's a Toyota."
"Okay lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
The clerk asks, "What does it do?"
"I don't know, but its always been there."
By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer carefully draws a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. In the center she writes "710."
The guys behind the counter, who are looking at the drawing upside down, can barely control their laughter as the boss walks to a shelf, grabs an OIL cap and puts in on the counter.
"That's it!" the lady says. "How much?"
"It's on the house," the manager replied. "Please come back often. You have no idea how entertaining it was waiting on you."

 

[specs]

In pharmacology, all drugs tend to have a generic name. For example, Tylenol is called acetamophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin and Advil is called ibuprofen.

A Canadian drug agency had been looking for some time for a generic name for ------ and after many months, they settled on the generic name mycoxafloppin.

NOTE: They had also given thought to these other generic names - mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and ibepokin

 

[specs]

Becky and Abe are Londoners on their first driving holiday in the USA. Everything is going well until driving through a remote part of Arizona, their car breaks down. Luckily, an Indian on horseback sees their predicament, rides up and offers to take one of them to a nearby town to get help.

Abe says, "Darling, I think it best that you go with him to this town while I stay here to protect our car and its contents. When you get there, find someone who can fix the car. Be careful and see you soon."

So Becky climbs up behind the Indian and off they ride.

They had been going for only a few minutes when the Indian suddenly lets out an ear piercing, "Y-e-e-e-e-e-H-a-a-a," and he repeats this scream every 5 minutes or so until they arrive in town. He rides over to the local garage, helps her down, and then rides off with one final screeching, "Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-H-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a."

"Wow," says the garage owner, "how did you get that Indian so excited?"

"I didnt do anything, honest," replies Becky, "All I did was sit behind him on his horse, my arms around his waist, holding the saddle horn to keep from falling. Thats all."

"Lady," laughing, the garage owner says, "Indians don't use saddles."

 

[specs]

News Flash from the English coastal area:
The Royal Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the coast of Kent today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Kent towards France. Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with British people who were all seniors of pension age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Calais so as to be able to return to the UK as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate UK pensioners. The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey. We are booking the next boat out, Let me know if you want to come.















​

 

[Kamikaze]

A blonde lady goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven-ten cap.
All the clerks look at each other, and one says, "What's a seven-ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost and some how and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?" the clerk asked.
"It's a Toyota."
"Okay lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
The clerk asks, "What does it do?"
"I don't know, but its always been there."
By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer carefully draws a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. In the center she writes "710."
The guys behind the counter, who are looking at the drawing upside down, can barely control their laughter as the boss walks to a shelf, grabs an OIL cap and puts in on the counter.
"That's it!" the lady says. "How much?"
"It's on the house," the manager replied. "Please come back often. You have no idea how entertaining it was waiting on you."

I must be proper thick Specs but I don’t get it?

 

[specs]

60 year old Becky goes into her local sex shop. As soon as she enters, everyone there notices how unstable she is on her feet. She wobbles the few feet across the shop to the counter, grabs it for support, and asks the assistant behind the counter, "Dddoo youuu selll ddiilldoss?"

The assistant, trying not to laugh, replies, "Yes, we have many different types of dildo in stock."

"Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,ttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk?" asks Becky.

"Yes we do."

"Ddddoo yyoouu kknnooww hhowww tttooo tturrrnnn ittt offffff?"

 

[Silly Sausage]

I must be proper thick Specs but I don’t get it?

Come on Kami!!!
Turn 710 180[SUP]o[/SUP] about the O end...

 

[specs]

I must be proper thick Specs but I don’t get it?

the blonde lady read OIL upside down ie 710 ( as near as dammit). but your right its a crap joke posted in a moment of drunkenness ( I laughed at the time).

 

[specs]

Just before her 70th birthday, Kay decides to see Dr. Besser for a check up and two days later she is telling Dr. Besser why shes come. "I havent had a check-up for over 25years and I think it wise to have one now,"

"I agree," he says. "Get undressed, put on this gown and go sit down on the bed over there. Then Ill look you over."

As soon as shes done what he asked, Dr. Besser goes over, puts his hand under the gown, lifts her right breast and tells her, "Say 99."

"99,"

"Nothing wrong there," says Dr. Besser. He then lifts her left breast and again says to her, "Say 99."

"99,"

"This ones fine too," says Dr. Besser. "Now Ill like to check out your other vitals. Lie down on the bed and put your feet in the stirrups."

Kay does what the doctor asked. Dr. Besser puts on a rubber glove, rubs on some KY jelly and starts to check out her private parts for any problem signs. He once again says to her, "Say 99."

Kay replies, "One, two three, four .......

 

[specs]

Although Becky's husband Abe died almost five years ago, shes finding it very difficult to come to terms with her loss and acts as if shes still in mourning. Her daughter is constantly urging her to get back into the living world, but up to now is having no luck.

But then one day, she is surprised to hear her mother say, "OK, Ill go out, but I dont know anyone to go out with."

Naomi quickly says, "Dont worry, mum. I know someone youll really like. His name is Cyril."

Cyril and Becky became a couple almost instantly and after dating for nearly two months, Cyril asks her whether she would like to spend the weekend with him at the Grand Hotel, Eastbourne.

"Of course, Cyril."

On their first night at the hotel, they both undress and soon Becky is naked except for a pair of black lacy panties while Cyril is in his birthday suit. Cyril looks at her and asks, "Why the black panties?"

"Mine lips you can kiss, mine neck you can nuzzle, mine breasts you can fondle and mine body you can explore. But down you-know-where, Im still in mourning."

Realizing this night is not going to be his night for action, Cyril frowns. but hes patient and cunning. The next night Becky stands there, again, in her black panties while Cyril wears nothing....except a black condom.

"What's with the black condom?"

"I want to offer my deepest condolences,"

 

[Kamikaze]

Dohh…. Thanks guys, I knew I was having a blond moment…lol.

 

[tidyboiler]

Geordie & Me.

 

[dan86]

I got my camera out when I spotted my 19-year-old next door neighbour washing the family car dressed only in a bikini.

He'll never live this down.

 

[dan86]

Off.

It's just not on.