A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the granddad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad."

"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little b*st*rd's name is Kevin."

 

[specs]

The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll
take it up the bvm.

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

 

[specs]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Football, Golf, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate.

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the I Thought You Loved Me app and run the Tears function. You may like to try the Guilt function also.

If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

Good Luck, Tech Support

 

[specs]

TAXI drivers in Southampton have installed signs reassuring passengers they speak nasty, ill-informed horseshlt.

Charlie Reeves is taking a 10-week course in Advanced Gypsy

The move follows more than seven complaints to the local authority of cab journeys that did not include a single mention of the inherent dishonesty of a particular ethnic group or a hypothetical starting XI for an all-white England football team.
Cab driver Charlie Reeves said: "I've passed my forced repatriation and I'm now fluent in the four pillars of racism. It's a bit technical but in laymen's terms it's Job Stealing, Funny Food, My Bloody Taxes and Natural Rhythm."
He added: "In London it's called Doing the Lack of Knowledge whereas down here it's known as 'Reading the Papers'."
Drivers are now required to give a full tariff of services provided, with a detailed account of how they once got a trial for West Ham the same year as Trevor Brooking, charged at clock-and-a-half.
How much they love their grandson even though he has a 'touch of the tar brush' will cost twice the normal rate, though passengers can expect a 10% discount if the driver ever indicates he had never thought about it that way before.
Southampton councillor, Roy Hobbs, said: "For many people arriving in Southampton, the taxi driver is the first experience of speaking to a genuine British moron.
"Taxi drivers are as much a part of the fabric of British life as vandalised Jewish cemeteries and phone-in sports radio and we do not want that being watered down by some reasonably well educated second generation immigrant who just wants to drive people to their destination without making them want to puke."

 

[specs]

Britain stops pretending to care

21-12-12
AS the Christmas holiday looms, Britons have abandoned all pretence of being interested in their jobs.

Your desire for a pint is a cliche because it’s true

Millions of desk workers have stopped trying to act ‘passionate’ and ‘motivated’, instead being quite open about their desire to fvck off after lunchtime.
Telesales operative Nikki Hollis said: “My manager just said, ‘let’s look busy for a couple of hours then hoof it’ and we all cheered.
“It’s more magical than actual Christmas – as if for one special day we’re treated like humans instead of hive ants.
“This refreshing honesty almost makes me like being here.
“Although of course I still hope the office burns to the ground over Christmas.”
Those with specialist professions are being equally upfront about their desire to get into a pub.
Surgeon Julian Cook said: “I’ve got a quick transplant to bash out, then it’s home time. We’ll race through it and get him zipped back up in an hour.
“I’ve brought a staple gun, it’s quicker than actual stitches.”
Motivational speaker Tom Logan said: “As someone whose entire career is based on faked enthusiasm it’s not often I say anything other than upbeat drivel.
“But today’s ‘personal goal’ is to wanc it out and fvck off early.”

 

[specs]

Scientists discover most middle class tattoo

25-01-13
THE most middle class tattoo is the word ‘moustache’ in a speech bubble, coming out of a swallow’s mouth, on the wearer’s finger.


Face tattoos remain completely ****ing mental

The design has been confirmed as the ultimate mix of modern and heritage trends, indicating that the inked person is playful, enjoys hand-made tapenade and has spent at least £50 in Stow-on-the-Wold.
Dr Nathan Muir explained: “Previously, the tattoo was a useful indicator of impending hospitalisation.
“You were dealing with someone who would knock you unconscious with a bar stool and then use it to anally penetrate you before emptying your pockets and having a go on the fruity.
“Meanwhile, meeting a girl with a tattoo was like getting a free pass to Disneyland. If it was full of skanks.
“But now you pick up a woman with a load of wild tribal designs, just to discover the only thing she’s going to blow is a frangipani tea light.”
Francesca Johnson, a Pilates blogger, said “When I first got my swallow, it was a statement of individuality. Then everyone got one, so I added the moustache detail and it became ironic.
“My Granny always hated it, but now she’s thinking about getting her own as someone told her there’s a pop up tattoo parlour at the Conran Shop.”
She added: “I have complained to Westminster City Council.”

 

[specs]

Abe is 75 years old and has just married Becky, a 35 year old. They are very much in love, but no matter what Abe does sexually, Becky cant achieve an orgasm. Since a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask their minister for advice.

When the minister hears their story, he says, "Heres what you can do. Hire a handsome young man and during your lovemaking, get him to wave a white towel over you both. That will help Becky let her imagination run wild and should bring on an orgasm."

Abe and Becky follow his suggestion. They hire a handsome young man and next time they are making love, he waves a white towel over them as instructed. But it doesn't help - Becky is still left unsatisfied.
So back to the minister they go.

He looks at Abe and says, "OK. Let's try it another way round. Get your young man to make love to Becky and you wave the white towel."

Once again, Abe and Becky follow the minister's advice. That night, as soon as the young man gets into bed with Becky, Abe waves the white towel. The young man works with great enthusiasm and soon Becky has an enormous, earth shattering orgasm.

Abe smiles, looks at the young man and says smugly, "See - thats how to wave a towel."

 

[specs]

[h=2]Fat Girls Having Best Day Ever[/h]04-09-09
FAT girls are having the best day ever after a scientist said all the skinny girls were going to die first.

'Cheryl Cole can kiss my thighs'

Across Britain big women cracked opened fresh tubs of ice cream as new research found that people with giant thighs are somehow healthier than people without giant thighs.
Emma Bradford, 18-stone of girlmeat from Doncaster, said: "You may have skinny little legs Nikki Hollis, but in 20 years time you'll be dead and I'll be the one bouncing up and down on your boyfriend until he bursts.
"I'll be thinking of you as my giant thighs almost smother his grinning face. Then I'll put on my massive pants and make him a big, sexy breakfast of sausages and pies."
Emma warned that acquiring a healthy set of thighs takes a lot of hard work and would not happen overnight, but advised would-be thigh perfectionists to start with a box-set of One Tree Hill and an enormous amount of Pringles.
The thigh boost comes just 24 hours after a magazine published a naked photograph of an attractive woman with at least two chins and a belly.

Dr Margaret Gerving, director of the Simply Be Foundation, said: "We have been saying for years that big girls offer much better value for money.
"They live longer, they have stronger personalities, they clean their plate and they can take several days to explore."
She added: "Now then, who's up for a chocolate sandwich?"

 

[specs]

[h=2]America spied on Yorkshire ‘for about five minutes[/h]

AMERICA’S National Security Agency tapped the phone calls of Yorkshire for five minutes before throwing its headphones across the room in horror.
Seasoned professional at the NSA, many of whom have spied on the French, were left traumatised by their brief insight into what Yorkshire people say to each other in private.
A source said: “It was like overhearing a conversation between demons from the fifth circle of hell.
“No matter where the conversation started out, it very quickly found its way to the subject of faeces.
“They were talking about it as if it was money.”
Another source added: “From what I could determine, most of them are cannibals.”

 

[Silly Sausage]

Fat Girls Having Best Day Ever

Nice!

Where did you get a picture of our lass?

 

[specs]

[h=2]Splashback avoidable by urinating in the sink, say male scientists[/h]

MALE researchers into the problem of ‘splashback’ have advised urinating in the sink.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The toilet bowl is simply too far away from the standing male’s urethra, so mishaps are inevitable.
“On a scientific level it is far more sensible for men to go in the sink. Urine is sterile so it’s not a hygiene issue, it’s totally fine.
“In terms of convenience it’s good too because you don’t need to cross the room to wash your hands afterwards.
“As an added bonus, lots of rooms that don’t have toilets have sinks, for example kitchens and hotel bedrooms. If the sink is at the bottom of the bed you can even urinate without getting up.
“That’s hypothetical of course, I’ve never done that. Well, maybe a couple of times.”

 

[specs]

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classic music and tal-

king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327

 

[specs]

MALES are deeply confused by a new sort of pawnography that is both for women and made of words.


Intimidating

E L James’s novel 50 Shades of Grey, which has smashed paperback sales records, is simultaneously more extreme than men’s own sexual fantasies and requires the user to hold it with both hands.
Network engineer Tom Booker said: “I heard the wife going on to her sister about 50 Shades, but thought it couldn’t possibly be pawnography because there weren’t any pictures.
“However I’ve just found her logged onto an internet chatroom as spank_me_kindly, asking for a master who will take her to the Red Room of Pain, so something’s clearly up.”
The book, which chronicles the romance between businessman Christian Grey and college graduate Anastasia Steele, has further confused men by having a respectable cover.
Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “It doesn’t have the word ‘Slutz’ on it in neon lettering or any females covered in soap suds. That’s a level of subtlety I find intimidating.”
However copywriter Julian Cook said: “I’m a sophisticated man. I’ve known books can be sexy ever since I frotted myself raw to chapter five of James Herbert’s The Rats aged 13.
“But apparently my life partner, who was furious when I bought her crotchless panties for Valentine’s Day, now thinks it’s really hot to read about virgins signing contracts to be sex slaves.
“I’ve suggested we do some of that submissive-dominant stuff but she’s told me to fvck off. I’ll never understand women.”
Francesca Johnson, Mr Cook’s girlfriend, explained: “Sexual subjugation is hugely arousing when practised with a devastatingly handsome multi-millionaire who buys you iPads and Audis, less so with someone who picks his toenails during CSI: Miami.”

 

[steve50]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.. One
night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her
a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it
discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti'
on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,
she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.



On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.


Send extra sauce.

 

[jimmymac]

Never befriend a dwarf with learning difficulties, it's not big and it's not clever