A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[telectrix]

1st attempt. score 23500. any advance?

 

[specs]

1st attempt. score 23500. any advance?

only tried it once, I realised I was no geography expert after landing about 10000 miles from London, and I live here. I think I landed in Moscow or thereabouts im gonna try t again

 

[telectrix]

if you find that hard, try virtual pilot II.

 

[specs]

17757, any advance on that, I didn't realise how crap I was at geography, mind you in my defence I have 'never been abroad'

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if you find that hard, try virtual pilot II.

where do I find that

 

[telectrix]

play the game then at the end, when your score comes up, there's option to play again or play version 2.

 

[ian.settle1]

1st attempt. score 23500. any advance?

25200 17ml from Bologna in round 2

 

[specs]

I was bloody crap, any advance on crap

 

[specs]

considering I've only ever been on a day trip to france and a week in Liverpool , I thought I did well

 

[specs]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade....

 

[specs]

A man is walking down the street and decides to surprise his wife with flowers. He sees a window storefront overflowing with flowers and stops in.

"I'll have a dozen roses,"

The shopkeeper calmly shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, we don't sell flowers.

"What do you mean you don't sell flowers? Your window is FULL of flowers?!"

"Actually, we perform circumcisions".

The incredulous man looks back over his shoulder at the display full of flowers, befuddled and says, "Circumcisions?

The shopkeeper, with timeless patience, responds, "Look buddy, you tell me...what would you put in the window?"

 

[Kamikaze]

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

 

[specs]

Man passes a 10 year old Irish boy at the bus stop, he was crying his eyes out.
'What's the matte, son' he asks the boy
'Me Mam, she passed away this mornin' sobbed the boy
'Ah beJesus' replied the man ' 'Shall I call Father O'Riley for you'
'No 'said the boy ' Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment''

 

[specs]

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get to her apartment and she immediately suggests they do a "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he is inexperienced, she attempts to explain. "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not fully understanding, but not wanting to ruin the moment the guy agrees. The second they get into position she lets loose a RIP-ROARING fart. "WTF was that for?" asks the guy. "Ooooopps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So they get into position again, and once again she lets one loose. The guy gets up and proceeds to get dressed. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy responds "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're bloody crazy!"

 

[telectrix]

derby and joan club. john, 78 meets doris, 77. after a few drinks and a couple of slow dances, doris suggests going back to her place. after a nightcap, they go to bed and john says " listen, doris, we're both getting on in life. time is short. whatever you fancy doing, we''ll do". so doris says " well, all them years i was married to my dear departed fred, we never did a 69, so i'd like to try it."

so then they get down to the business, and after a few minutes john exclaims " here, it's a bloody shame about that ship, the titanic". "what do you mean?" replies doris. " all them passengers drowned" says john. "oh. i know" says doris. but what the hell made you think of that while we're having a lovely 69?"


" just read about it" says john. " it's in the newspaper stuck to your arse".

 

[Kamikaze]

A young paratrooper went for his first jump from an airplane. Afterwards, he called his father to tell him the news.

"We got in the plane, and the sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane."

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Not yet. The sergeant started to grab the other men, one at a time, and throw them out the door. I was the last man left."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"No, I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this up your ---.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first, but then I got used to it."