A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls the vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud.

The farmer hangs up and comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he figures the first try didn't take and loads them into the truck again. He drives out to the woods, bangs each pig twice, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around.

"One more try", he tells himself as he drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, once home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, so exhausted he can barely raise himself he asks his wife to tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No", she says, "they're in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

 

[specs]

Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it.

He called in the woman and told her that the man had already suffered two heart attacks.

She told the doctor that she didn't care.

The doctor then called in the man and told him the woman was suffering from acute angina.

"I know!" he said. "I peeked."

 

[specs]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."

 

[specs]

Little Tommy was sitting on the toilet pot. His mother thought he was taking too long, so she went into the bathroom to check on him. Tommy was there sitting on the toilet seat reading a book. But every few seconds, he would put the book down, grab the toilet seat with one hand, and hit himself on top of the head with the other hand.

His mother found this strange and asked: "Tommy, are you okay? You've been in here for a while."

Little Tommy replied, "I'm fine, mom, I just haven't done my potty yet."

His mother said, "That's all right, sweety, you can stay here for some more time, but why do you keep hitting yourself on the head?"

Little Tommy replied: "Works for ketchup."

 

[specs]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 

[specs]

A really sloppy drunk is draped over the bar. The bartender tells him, "OK, you've had enough. I'm not going to serve you anymore, so get out of here and go home."

The drunk leaves the bar. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through the back door. The bartender tells him, "I told you to go home, I'm not serving you anything more, you've had enough, now go home." The drunk leaves again.

Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through a side door. Again, the bartender tells him, "Man, I told you, you're wasted. I'm not serving you anymore, now go home, you've had enough." Again, the drunk leaves.

Fifteen minutes later the drunk comes back through another side door. The bartender says, "What the hell is the matter with you? I keep telling you, you've had enough already, and I'm not going to serve you anymore, now go home!"

The drunk looks up at the bartender and asks, "How many places do you work at?"

 

[specs]

Usually everyone who has a dog would call him Rover or something, well I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew how embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I was looking for Sex."
My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!"

When I said, "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like.

Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding.

I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex.

Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said, "Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

 

[specs]

I have a request, This is a long running thread to which I have donated. A lot of members and guests visit this thread, yet i am not credited with the posts I make. I could easily post in other threads , but this is my thread of interest The only member who wants to shoot me is a friend ( he has a 12 bore shotgun) I will not tell you his name, but it begins with' Tele........ I Think he became my mate so he could get close enough to me to shoot me. I would like my posts recognised. If you , the members think I am asking to much please say so. If not, Please tell The Boss

 

[dan86]

I have a request, This is a long running thread to which I have donated. A lot of members and guests visit this thread, yet i am not credited with the posts I make. I could easily post in other threads , but this is my thread of interest The only member who wants to shoot me is a friend ( he has a 12 bore shotgun) I will not tell you his name, but it begins with' Tele........ I Think he became my mate so he could get close enough to me to shoot me. I would like my posts recognised. If you , the members think I am asking to much please say so. If not, Please tell The Boss

I keep meaning to do a search and see how many of the posts belong to you in here when I'm on the computer. I mainly use tapatalk to read the forum though and can't do that kind of search on it.
I personally like the majority of your posts even if I don't actually 'like' them. some of the longer ones I don't bother reading though tbh.
I understand why posts in here don't up your post count, but a bit under your name in your profile saying something along the lines of 'approved forum joke teller' or the like would be kinda cool!

 

[moospark]

Maybe if people hit the thanks button, instead of like. Specs may get due recognition?

 

[telectrix]

yep, come on, admin. give specs a badge . makes us all laugh.

 

[moospark]

yep, come on, admin. give specs a badge . makes us all laugh.

Forum approved jester.

 

[Earthstore]

I look forward to his posts, gives me something to tell the chaps down the pub, do not tend to hear many anymore, so Specs wit is shared around and brings a smile to many, come on admin there must be something you can do for this entertainer...

 

[Kamikaze]

I nominate specs for the position of “Chief Morale Officer” (CMO). Keep up the good work bro!
　


And the joke of course!

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

So that's what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!"

 

[Earthstore]

This is an old ditty, from memory... it is called "Tax on sex"

The country was in a terrible state
And parliament had rose for a budget debate
It was quite a few moments before Thatcher spoke
Then she stood up and said sex will cost £2 a poke

Whether you're short tall skinny or thick
Tax will be paid with the use of you're -----
Tony Benn stood up and said Maggie look here
Will the tax also apply to those of us who are queer

Treaserer Lawson rose and looked very glum
Will I be exempt cos I only like bum
Maggie replied and sounded quite airy
You'll pay f ucking double you dirty old fairy

Up rose David Steele to tremendous applause
Grabbed hold of Shirley and whipped off her draws
He straddled across her and f ucked her at will
And shouted at Maggie put that on your bill

The debate carried on and oh what a site
MP's were w anking the whole of the night
MP's were coming the Speaker was last
And in the excitement the dumb bill was passed

So now in the bedrooms of England each night
There is many a f anny closed good and tight
The're taxing our booze and the're taxing our smokes
And now the b astards are taxing our pokes

If £2 a time is what me must pay
It's now to ourselves that we must play
To quench our frustration we'll all have w ank
For the state of the country we've Maggie to thank.

I take a bow......