A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."

The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 gold coins on his doorstep.

Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for a shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You dont have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."

The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 rubies on his doorstep.

The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a haircut and a beard trim. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldnt ask you to pay anything, its on the house, you are a learned and wise man, go in peace."

The Rabbi blesses him and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep

 

[telectrix]

ethel, a 75 year old widow considered that she had nothing left to live for, so decided to shoot herself with the dead husband's WWII revolver. not wanting to have any pain, she asked a neighbour what would be the least painful way. her neighbour told her to go for the heart. point the muzzle of the gun just under your left breast and pull the trigger.


2 hours later, ethel was rushed to A&E with a bullet wound to her left knee.

 

[dan86]

Tom Daley has admitted he's bisexual and in a relationship with a man.

I'm stunned.

I thought he was just gay.

 

[Badged01]

I thought he was just gay.

That was just a nasty rumour spread to discredit him .... he likes to bat for both sides!

 

[telectrix]

so he's definitely not as muff diver, then.

 

[steve50]

Donald & Daisy


Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.










So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"















You smiled ...... I saw you!!.......

 

[specs]

so he's definitely not as muff diver, then.

I've just noticed you have 30,444 post and been thanked 4,016 times , how the hell do you get away with spending that much time on the pc. My misses is in my ear and looking over my shoulder every 20 clicks of the keypad. My only hope in catching up is for me to throw her out, oh well, I guess I will just have to miss her at meal times.

 

[specs]

PS, did that count as a post for you, cos it didn't me But gave you a like anyway,cos your a mate

 

[telectrix]

haha. i'm on pc when 'er indoors is on the soaps or faceache. also in the day if no work on, or doing certs. etc.

 

[telectrix]

just had to post this in this thread.......


Monty Python - The Funniest Joke In The World - YouTube

 

[Silly Sausage]

No it isn't.

 

[specs]

No it isn't.

loved the monty era.

 

[specs]

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat right now."

 

[specs]

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Still want 2 b the pig)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone!

(and God love that pig!)

 

[steve50]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg", he replied

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims, I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop, I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"

"It's like talking to a ****ing brick wall."