A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[ian.settle1]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London.
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each
other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place.
Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.


As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks
in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Scotland.
They're waiting for Happy Hour, when drinks are half-price”.

 

[rapparee]

i heard a different version

englishman,irishman and a scotsman went shopping and they fancied the shopkeeper. . the englishman asked her "a bag of sugar, sugar" and she wasnt impressed, so the scotsman went up and asked "a jar of honey, honey" and she wasn't impressed, so the irishman walks up and says "a pound of bacon, you fat pig!!..

At least he's not afraid to tell the truth.

 

[norcal]

In Oregon, a number of brewers are competing to turn sewer water into beer, The brewer said, "Hey if Bud Light can do it, we can do it. "

Conan O'Brien

 

[steve50]

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

' I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look haunted and miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning'.

......
"Today you voted".
​

 

[Goody]

A Believer

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face …

 

[Barry White]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee."

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

 

[Goody]

This is really dirty :yes:

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee."

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

 

[steve50]

Possibly the best joke of the year



A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.


While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,

'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my --- is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'


Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

 

[steve50]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." ...

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE ...

THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!

 

[Goody]

Quickie for a $1000

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done.

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to ...


... the best conclusion of the story wins a trip to Las Vegas (just kidding)

 

[telectrix]

Quickie for a $1000

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done.

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to ...




... the best conclusion of the story wins a trip to Las Vegas (just kidding)

phone her and see what happened. in between gasps and moans, she told her boyfriend " the £2000 is all in 5p 's"

 

[shanky887614]

Quickie for a $1000

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done.

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to ...


... the best conclusion of the story wins a trip to Las Vegas (just kidding)

the ******** used coins XD

 

[telectrix]

a bit slow there, shanks.

 

[Besoeker]

Apologies if I've done this one before.

I originally heard this on a Billy Connoly tape. I have tried to avoid words that are (a) offensive and (b) local and unintelligible.

One day the Russian Circus came to Glasgow. At the end of the show the ringmaster made an announcement of a special act – Ivan the Terrible, a Russian wrestler.

Ivan has two special holds, the Half Pretzel which always causes an immediate submission by the opponent, and the Full Pretzel which breaks his back. So the ringmaster starts his spiel :
“One thousand pounds for anyone who can last three minutes with Ivan the Terrible”

Immediately Wee Hughie hears the amount of money he jumps up without thinking much about the consequences.
“I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it” (More like “Ah’ll dae it“ but this is the international version !)
So Wee Hughie gets in the ring and strips down ready to tackle Ivan. The ringmaster brings in Ivan, a huge man, covered in hair and tattooed everywhere. Ivan just grunts and bares his teeth and dribbles. An absolute animal. Wee Hughie stands back in amazement at what he has let himself in for, but then starts to think about the money again (he would, being a Scot).
So the bout starts and pretty soon Big Ivan gets Wee Hughie in the half Pretzel. The crowd gasp……
Then, Ivan gets Hughie’s other arm and the Full Pretzel is on. A terrified hush falls on the crowd…..

Suddenly Big Ivan comes flying off and cracks his head on the edge of the circus ring and falls unconscious. The crowd go absolutely wild.
The ringmaster comes over to congratulate Hughie and give him the money.
“So Hughie, this has never been done before – tell us how you did it.”
“Aye weel, it was like this. He got me in that Pretzel thing and I could just feel the life draining out of my body. Suddenly, I saw it there right in front of me – this huge great Willie. So I sank my teeth right into it. And you know, it’s amazing the surge of strength you get when you bite your own Willie”

 

[shanky887614]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.

As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."