A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Besoeker]

Ever had a bike stolen then this is for you

Probably illegal here.........shame.

 

[norcal]

Probably illegal here.........shame.

Doubt it's legal here, but how many folks will go to the cops & tell them they were zapped by a booby trap on a bait bike they tried to steal? There is a number of dumb crook awards for people going to the cops about dope deals gone bad, or not happy with the services rendered (or not rendered) from a prostitute, but most will just make themselves scarce, LOL.

 

[telectrix]

this has to be included on a bank holiday wet weekend.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCnK3B7Ftow

 

[Barry White]

 

[steve50]

........

 

[telectrix]

american primary school. kids have been out of the city to a farm. next day, teacher is asking questions about the trip.

"can anyone tell me what a lamb sounds like?" she asks.

several hands went up, including Leroy at the back.

"OK. Mary, how does a lamb sound?"

"Baaa" replies Mary.

"good. now anyone tell me how a cow sounds?"

once again, several hands up and Leroy is getting agitated at not being picked.

"Right, Janet, How does a cow sound?"

"Moooo" replies Janet.
"excellent. now what about a pig?"

Leroy is now jumping up and down with his both hands waving.

"OK, Leroy, in the interests of racial harmony, tell me what a pig sounds like"

"Freeze, -------" shouts Leroy.

 

[Barry White]

Sacked on his first day

 

[steve50]

.......

 

[hightower]

Well, I've been hiding this for too long now so it's time I come out and say it. I'm an ohmosexual.




I can only get it up if there's resistance.

 

[norcal]

A Californian and a Texan were deer hunting in the brush of south Texas when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Texan takes careful aim, shoots and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Californian.
"It's legal here in Texas " replies the Texan.
Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer from Wal-Mart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer and runs away. The Californian draws his pistol, shoots and kills him. As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him.
"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!" protests the Californian.
"Well, yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

 

[steve50]

......

 

[steve50]

A polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well — until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Man: “Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
Man: “It’s made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?”
Man: “No, we have a carport.”
Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
Man: “All my relations are still in Poland.”
Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Man: “We have a high-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”
Man: “No, I always wake up before her.”
Lawyer: “Sir, exactly why do you want this divorce?”
Man: “She’s going to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”
Man: “I have proof.”
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Man: “She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read it and it says … ‘Polish remover.’ ”

 

[steve50]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

 

[Barry White]

 

[telectrix]

how's about:



OH, F*** !